The Incredibly Hip New York City Post

I have a lot of little jobs which add up to almost having a real job (but not really). One of my gigs is reviewing CDs. I like it. I get to listen to and write about new music, which is fun, and I get oodles of free CDs and shit (which is the real reason why anyone reviews CDs). I’ve been doing it for a few years now and I’ve discovered a few great bands that I would have otherwise never heard of otherwise. Vaux (who broke up because no one fucking listened to them) and The Klaxons are both amazing bands that I might not have discovered unless I was assigned their CDs. Other groups, like The Grates and The Trucks aren’t as good, but I’m still happy I heard their music and I’m looking forward to hearing what they’ll do next.

Unfortunately groups like them are the minority. For every original metal band like Vaux there are thirty shit emo fuckers like Boys Like Girls. For every great electronic/rock hybrid like The Klaxons there’s substandard boring shit like OHN, and intelligent and fun groups like The Grates And The Trucks are buried under derivative bullshit acts like Temposhark.

However, last week I was forced to listen to what had to be the worst album I’ve ever had the the displeasure of being exposed to.

The band: Tokio Hotel
The album: Scream

Okay, look at this fucker.

Seriously, look at him.

Yeah, the band’s appearance shouldn’t have an influence in how I feel about their music but when you give me something like that how can it not effect my views on the music? Also, since Tokio Hotel is so incredibly obviously a pre-manufactured hodgepodge of everything “emo” they’re leaving themselves open to attacks and judgments based on their appearance. That stupid little fucker looks like a cross between Sanjaya, Yahoo Serious and what came out of my ass this morning. That’s about what he sounds like too in case you were wondering.

I can’t think of an album that made me as angry as this one has. It’s a perfect storm of shit music, shit appearance and horribly transparent marketing (nothing pisses me off more than corporate-designed “edge”) to the lowest common denominator of sad, pathetic teenagers . What makes me even more angry is that it seems to be working, since stupid teenage girls are gobbling it up.

I’m sure I’ll be criticized for that comment so let me elaborate. It’s not like guys don’t like shitty music. Guys with bad taste in music and anger issues have kept much of the metal scene going since 1982. However, guys very rarely dig a band just because of how they look. Sure, we may like T.a.T.u and shit like that, but once the thrill of seeing two hot Russian chicks do it gets old we just go back to our porno and call it a day.

These stupid little girls on the other hand (note: not ALL girls are like this, just a very vocal portion of them are) see a group like this and fall head-over-fucking-heels in love with them for no good goddamn reason other than the fact that they think the boys are cute. They buy all their shit CDs, go to all their lousy concerts and post all about them on their stupid fucking MySpace pages. These are the same girls that fell in love with boy bands when they were younger, their hopelessly pathetic devotion to pretty boys hasn’t changed, only the genre has.

People always go off on how children are exposed to too much sex and violence. Fuck that. Sex and violence are a part of life and both are awesome. Kids are exposed to shit like this far too much; corporate-designed piles of shit forced down teenagers throats until they don’t know shitty from not-shitty. There ought to be a law that says before anyone under the age of 18 buys an album from a band like Tokio Hotel that they have to listen to a Siouxsie And The Banshees, Talking Heads (hey, look below!) or Ramones album to show that a group can be image-conscious without sounding/looking like a bunch of dickholes.

Okay, I’m done now.

And in case you’re wondering my review of the album isn’t online yet. I’ll link to it once it is.

Oh, and I really hope all these mentions of Tokio Hotel brings fans of them here – I love making emo kids’ make-up run.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Y Control (Faint Remix)
Y Control (Thre Majesty Remix)
Y Control (Tommie Sunshine’s Brooklyn Fire Retouch)
Karen O. totally stole my wardrobe.

Talking Heads
Blind (Extended Remix)
Blind (Deaf Dub and Blind Mix)
Blind (Vocal Mix)
I usually don’t put up dub mixes but the name of that one was so good I couldn’t resist. These come from a 12” single.

Luscious Jackson
Here (Explosion Mix)
Bam Bam (Live)
Here (Squirrel Mix)
Queen Of Bliss
Surprise (Live)
Here (Love/Hate)
I wasn’t going to post this but since I had a whole New York thing going with the first two groups I figured why the hell now. These tracks came from a nifty white vinyl 12” single.

6 Responses to “The Incredibly Hip New York City Post”

  1. Anonymous says:


    19million views on youtube = Ur A Douchebah!!

    Ahem, just giving you your Emo anty action.

    I recall a magazine called Tokio something? But man… DAMN this shit is extremely well produced silky saccharine shite for kids.

    If I was a tweeny I’d be asking my mom for hair like that right fucking now.

    I don’t know what a Monsoon is, but it “feels” (emo)iontal

    Did you watch the video? You should. Its terrifying.

  2. defender of the crown says:

    I agree with you that Tokio Hotel Music isn’t music serious listeners listen to. But that’s been the same for Backstreet Boys, Take That and all the other casted Boybands ether. But what I have to say is that these bunch of kids aren’t casted at all. Also they play all their instruments, thats more than many teenage wonders do. So for me it’s OK if teens get mad about Tokio Hotel, ’cause with that they are nearer to real music that with any other teeny-band. And given time they will find the right track!

  3. hedmekanik says:

    Holy shitstripes.

    They should consider renaming themselves Tokio Truth Serum –

    ‘Don’ wanna talk, eh, sonny? Well, how about a little bit of THIS -‘
    ‘Noooooo!!! I’ll fuckin’ talk – the butler did it, with the maid, and they stashed the gold in the attic, under the creaky floorboard! Just not that hair! Please – I’ll do anything! Not the – ahhhh!’
    ‘Damn. Think we lost him.’
    ‘Jeez. This stuff is strong.’

  4. beketaten says:

    Oh, man, at first i thought you were talking about Tokyo Police Club, but then I saw the picture and went like “OOOOhhh”.
    That guys weasley little face nauseates me.
    No matter what they do to their hair, it won’t for me even warrant them the most superficial comparison with A Flock of Seagulls, but A fucking Flock of Seagulls didn’t SUCK for the express purpose of entrapping an entire demographic of braindead 15-year-old scene kids.

    Also: I actually loved the Backstreet Boys, then and now…But certainly not because of how they looked. I’m just that much of a sucker for Swede-tastic pop production and unintentionally amusing choreographed group-dances.

    **Returning to the original subject at hand, I just don’t frankly get emo at all. It’s not even goth anymore, unless goth is defined by some misplaced A&R executive as “eyeliner”, “Skinny jeans” and singing about “vague yet abject experiences of personal misery, including but not limited to have just cutten oneself with Hello Kitty safety scissors”.


    Why can’t this age’s stupid fad actually be an enjoyable one?

  5. Anonymous says:

    funny you brought this up. When i was in college most people listened to alternative music (pearl jam, nirvana, etc). nobody took that top 40 crappy 80s, 90s music seriously (mc hammer, spice girls, journey, skid row).

    now i work at a college and it amazes me that students actually like bands like toyko whatever, fall out boy, etc. what is even stranger to me is that many listen to the crappy top 40 music of the 80s, 90s.

    i seriously heard a group of girls singing a heart song the other night (and, no, they weren’t being ironic)


  6. no says:

    hello there, this is germany.
    you can be fucking glad to get only a few bands from us to you,
    not in your worst nightmares you ever will imagine what other stuff
    fills the shrunken little brains of our kids.
    i give you that:
    sound like techno for the muppetts show, voice like hillary c. on acid, title : you got the hottest ass in the world. anymore questions ?
    tokio hotel is just the top of an enormous mountain of shit, better never digg at the bottom…

Leave a Reply