Super Bowled Over

So the dome of protection that protected Pittsburgh from the blizzard was apparently part of some black magic pact that cost the city the Super Bowl. Oh well, at least we don’t have to endure headlines about how Ben Roethlisberger somehow “redeemed’ himself because he won a fucking football game.

But lets not talk about that (alleged) criminal. Instead lets talk about some actual criminals. The Black Eyed Peas.

The halftime show.



Wow. I mean, I knew the Black Eyed Peas sucked. I’ve written extensively about that very subject. Their shittiness is nothing new to me. But even I was surprised as to just how hideous they were. How does that even happen? Didn’t anyone at the NFL know? Shit. Maybe they should start holding auditions for bands before they take the stage and aurally assault America. Anyone notice how even with the autotune they sounded like a shit sandwhich? That’s because in order for the robo-voice effect to work right you have to be able to hold a note. Sure, when Will.I.Am is in the studio, he can shit out horrible take after horrible take of the opening line to “The Time (Dirty Bit),” because he just needs to deliver one average vocal performance. But when he has to puke out some vocals live he can’t even fulfill the bare minimum vocal requirements in order to make an autotuned performance sound good. Of course, if he just would have rapped without any bullshit vocal modification he would have sounded fine. But no, motherfucker wants to sound like a robot.

As for Fergie. Ugh. I almost kind of sort of defended her the last time I went off on an anti-Black Eyed Peas rant. That was a mistake. There’s no defending her now.

Most people know about how autotune can make people sound like robots, but what some people might not know is that autotune’s primary purpose is to not be noticed, and to fix poor vocal performances in the studio. And what I took away from Fergie trying to sing live is that, well, she can’t. She is a product of studio manipulation. Sure, she can rap/sing-talk fine, but you ask her to hold a note or carry a tune and her true, talentless colors come through bright and clear. Yikes. Well, at least she didn’t piss herself on stage this time. So she has that going for her, which is nice.

Oh, and Slash? Fuck you and your shiny top hat.

Sigh. Remember when Prince did the halftime show? That was awesome. Prince should just do all the halftime shows from now until the day he dies. And then we should just get replays of those.

Gary Numan
My World Storm (12” Mix)
My World Storm (Instrumental)

Could you imagine a Gary Numan halftime show? It would be amazing! He could come out in a little go-cart and rock out some of “Cars” before going into “Are ‘Friends’ Electric?” “Me! I disconnect from you” and close with a bitchin’ version of “Metal.” Sure, only eight people in the world would want to see that, but shit, we’d be stoked! These tracks are from a 12″.

Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
Don’t Surrender (Extended Mix)
Don’t Surrender (The Most Excellent Mix)

Joan Jett’s halftime show would include her in a camouflage bikini top and leather pants. Then she’d beat the shit out of the entire defensive lines of both football teams.

John Foxx
Enter The Angel (Extended Mix)

Foxx’s halftime show would…shit…I got nothing. It’s 2am. I should go to bed.


12 Responses to “Super Bowled Over”

  1. Homer J from UK says:

    I agree about Gary Numan,but think he was only really any good up til ‘Warrior’. I made the mistake of seeing him in a very small venue in the 90’s,& unless he goes back 2 early 80’s style & employs Billy Currie,i won’t b making that mistake again! Anyone realise how Gary Numan isn’t credited 4 ‘Me’ on Basement Jaxx’s ‘Where’s Your Head At’-shows how grateful they were! Also from what i know of ‘John Foxx'(got in2 Ultravox post Foxx!)would also b good,especially if he done ‘Underpass’. I’ll have to listen to the 2 tracks u posted!
    Oh R.I.P. To Mick Karn from Japan who someone posted ‘didn’t know he played bass’ on a Electro site,who obviously don’t know ‘Synth Pop'(u muppet Aitchski !).

  2. Lost Turntable says:

    I saw Gary Numan in a small venue about four years ago and he was great. His new NIN-inspired gothic electro style fits him very well!

  3. Dong Nguyen says:

    I thought one of the reasons the Black Eyed Peas got the half-time slot was because they have a partial financial interest in the Miami Dolphins.

  4. Homer J from UK says:

    It just shows my age & how stuck in my ways i am(40 going on 50 maybe!!!). What most annoyed me was the support act was supposed 2 b a well known English artist.I 4get his name but he had bleached spiky hair & wore leathers & he was in a wheelchair.He used 2 do ‘Depeche Mode’ covers,amongst other things.But at my local area didn’t play! I think my area isn’t liked by alot of artists-main one being ‘The Cranberries’ lead singer who was suddenly ill/whatever,not once but 2 or 3 times once the tour came to Portsmouth Guildhall.

  5. Angela Triste Mercy says:

    Gary Numan is better now than he ever has been. He may not make the charts or fill stadiums but he enjoys what he’s doing and so do the true fans! His industrial/darkwave style is just phenomenal!

  6. c@meron says:

    I’d donate bone marrow to get that JJ show made real!

  7. Chris says:

    I agree the last great Super Bowl half time show was Prince.

    The Black Eyed Peas bit reminded me of the Ole Saturday Night Live medley sketches with the two female actress/singers (Forgive me I can’t remember their names.) The SNL skits were 1,000 times more entertaining because we all knew not to take them seriously.

  8. Homer J from UK says:

    Angela Triste Mercy-that’s ur opinion,mine is that he was at his best around the ‘Living Ornaments’ era.
    From interviews Gary Numan seems a good bloke aswell,not just cos he’s from the same county as where i live !!!
    I also think ‘Depeche Mode’ was best around ‘Music For The Masses’ til ‘Violator’ era,& ‘Violator’ being one of my fave albums ever. But i’m sure that alot of people will dissagree ! I loved ‘Dream On'(Bushwacka Mix) aswell tho.

  9. Glenn S. says:

    Saint Etienne once covered a Gary Numan song so maybe they could be a part of his halftime show too. I’ll bet that would bring up the interest level to a good eleven or twelve people. But, yes, we’d be stoked.

  10. Brian says:

    What we need is Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and/or The Foo Fighters again.


  11. Brian says:

    Numan would be great too. Saw him on the Pleasure Principle tour.


  12. AFE Laugher says:

    Angela stop talking shite.

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