As I promised, the Lollapalooza recapping continues, but instead of focusing on the bands I’m going to focus on the idiots who damn near ruined everything. Oh, and I actually have some music tonight, such a quaint concept for an MP3 blog I know!
There was a lot of idiocy at this year’s Lollapalooza, more than ever before. And it didn’t just come from the fans. No, security, the police, the promoters and even the performers themselves were all guilty of douchebaggery the likes of which this world has rarely seen. All the idiocy I witnessed made me seriously doubt the validity of mankind as a whole and by the end of Sunday I was chanting the “fuck all” riff from Tool’s AEnima. It was bad. People just don’t know how to behave anymore! Which leads me to this:
The NEW AND IMPROVED Lost Turntable Guide To Festivals
Part 1: The Fans
1. Security & Cops Can Be Your Friend
I’ve never made it much of a secret that I’m not a big fan of authority and the police; but I’m not an idiot – everyone else is. And since so much of the populace is mentally retarded someone needs to help the fuckers. So, when the cops/security are carrying hurt people to an ambulance GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. Don’t stand there like a slack-jawed fucktwat with your thumb up your butt going “damn that sucks for them.” Every time I see someone do this I want to shove my boot up so far up their ass that they suffer severe internal bleeding and then stand back and gawk at their pain so the paramedics can’t help them.
2. Stage Rushing: Not Cool
I’ve never been one to head to the front of the stage during a show, especially one where there will be moshing and crowd-surfing. I have nothing against either of those two activities, they just aren’t for me (and in the case of crowd-surfing, not for everyone around me, since I’m one big fucker). What I do hate, however, is when hordes of idiots decide that they need to be in front of the stage right now and slam their retarded fucking faces into the backs of the poor people in front of them, who in turn are forced to move forward into the people in front of them and so on, until the people in front get their bodies crushed between a sweaty mass of douchebaggery and a steel fence. If you want to get close to the stage get there early like a decent person or be a dick like everyone else and shove your way to the front five minutes before the band comes on. Don’t hurt and/or potentially kill people just so you can see Rage. They weren’t that good anyways (and their soundsystem was shit). The people who do this should get kicked to the ground so elephants with diarrhea can walk over them until they are shit-covered bloodstains.
3. There are more than two porta-pottys at Lollapalooza
This one blows my mind. there are literally hundreds of shitters at Lollapalooza, all lined up in pretty little rows ready to be defiled. They’re all in plain sight, one lined up after another. However, this doesn’t stop people from lining up to use the first two or three and completely ignoring the dozens that are unoccupied and ready to be used for pissing! What the fuck is wrong with these people? Are they so bred to be followers that they can’t even lead themselves into a shitter? They have to take the lead of someone else? These people are the stupidist people on Earth. Their names should be taken and they shouldn’t be allowed to vote or breed.
4. Surprisngly enough you can have two legs, be flammable block a fire exit.
Let me set the stage: Saturday night, Rage Against The Machine is playing. It’s intense and they keep having to stop the show for safety reasons. Not wanting to die at a rock concert (that is s00000 The Who 1979) I decide to get the hell out of there. The closest exit for me is the media one, which is located to the left of the stage, right past a series of stairs – I’m only about 50 feet from it so I figure it won’t be a big deal. I walk to the stairs and notice that it’s pretty crowded, but I keep going. When I get closer I realize why it’s so dense here, people are just standing on the stairs, using them as a keen vantage point to see Rage. But it’s dark out, people aren’t paying attention, and the assume (rightfully) that the path to the exit will be clear, so they keep walking to the stairs. The result is a violent mass of humanity getting poked, prodded and nearly trampled all because some worthless ‘bros and stupid bitches can get a good view of a band that hans’t released new material in close to a decade (seriously guys, it’s just Rage, get over it). These idiots could have fucking killed someone. I seriously, no joke, hope everyone that was blocking an exit or putting other people’s lives in danger just to get a good view of the band gets their reproductive mauled by a rapid squirrel. Don’t fucking block an exit! I’m not even joking here! It’s stupid and someone could have gotten fucking killed!
Part 2: Performers
1. Artsy Bullshit Doesn’t Work In Front of 75,000 People
Look, I like Radiohead. I’m one of those idiots who owns a shitload of their EPs, import singles and 12” records just so I can get one song that I didn’t have before. I even shelled out the extra bucks for the “discbox” of In Rainbows that had a bonus disc of exclusive material. But these fuckers pissed me the fuck off on Friday with their shitty ass stage show. Okay, Thom, I get it, you guys are “artists'” so pyrotechnics, jumping around and acting like you might actually be having fun are all out of the question, but could you at least take into consideration the throngs of fans that have been standing in the heat all day to see you? My main beef with their show was the moronic use of the monitors to the right and left of the stage. Usually, these monitors are used to display closeups of the band for those of us unfortunate enough to get a good luck on our own. Radiohead however, in all their art-rock dickery, decided to take each of these monitors and split them six ways. Not only that, the six-way split was used to show various extreme closeups of the band. So instead of seeing Thom sing “There There” I saw his chin. Thanks a lot you cocked-eyed bastard.
2. Your Fans Are Probably Assholes
Hey Rage, you do know that 90% of your fans don’t even give a shit about “the revolution,” social injustice, political reform or the vanishing working class right? They just want to hear “Killing In The Name Of” and start some shit. Nice message you got, too bad it’s falling on deaf ears. Time to call it a day.
Part 3: Promoters
1. Security is money well spent
As I mentioned at Bullz-eye.com, the Girl Talk show was a complete disaster, with braindead cunnies and retarded fratboys rushing the stage with delusions that they would be allowed to party with Gregg. This wouldn’t have been that much of a problem if there was ample security to deal with the situation, but they were severely understaffed, and opening for dumb girls to hop the fence and get on stage soon appeared. $145 a ticket + 75,000 people = enough money for security guards.
2. There can be too much of a good thing
Just because the fire marhsall will let you cram 75,000 people in Grant Park doesn’t mean you should! I enjoy music but I enjoy walking across the park without getting stepped on by a gaggle of douchebags even more.
And this one is for everyone:
You’re not the only person in the motherfucking world!
You like the band on stage and want to show your love? Excellent, don’t do it by screaming in the ear of the person next to them. You want to try something different with your live shows? I respect that, but try it at a smaller venue with a more respective audience. Want to make a shitload of money before our broken capitalist society fails? Go for it, but try to make a good concert too.
In case you didn’t notice there’s a central theme to all of my rules and regulations; don’t be so damn selfish. Lollapalooza (or any concert for that matter) only works if we all work together to make it a killer weekend. If you decide to show up shitfaced, cheat your fans out of a good show, or rip off everyone around you then you’ll bring everyone else down and in turn bring yourself down eventually. I want Lollapalooza to stick around for a long time, but if there are any more years like this I don’t think it will – at least it won’t for me.
And that’s it. I’m sure as always I’ll get people who calling me a tight ass or asshole for my views on how people should behave at concerts. And as always I say that these people should go fuck themselves while listening to the following awesome music.
Godhead
Eleanor Rigby (Lords Of Acid Mix)
Eleanor Rigby (Chaotica Mix)
Eleanor Rigby (Sonic State Mix)
You got to hand it to Godhead. Not only did they decide that the world needed another NIN-lite band after Stabbing Westward and Gravity Kills, but they decided that they would be the NIN-lite band to cover one of The Beatles most acclaimed songs. And then The Lords Of Acid liked it long enough to stop fucking half of Belgium to remix it. These are off a 12” single.
Portishead
Numbed In Moscow
A Tribute To Monk & Canatella
Lot More (An awesome remix of “Sour Times”)
Theme From “To Kill A Dead Man”
Airbus Reconstruction (A weird-as-hell remix of “Sour Times”)
These are all the B-sides to “Sour Times.” They are all cool and you should download them. Now that I got that out of the way allow me to gush about the super-cool neato-keen awesome Ultra-Limited Edition version of Third that I picked up while in Chicago. It has the entire album on vinyl, which is cool, the “Machine Gun” single (which is extra-cool because one side of the vinyl is etched) and it also comes with an odd piece of art by Nick Uff (which is less cool but still awesome). However, all those pieces of coolness pale in comparison to the super-neato cool P-shaped USB stick that includes the entire album and a bunch of exclusive live videos and other goodies. I’m going to try and rip the audio from those videos later this week and put them here if I can.
Sneaker Pimps
Spin Spin Sugar (Armand’s Dark Garage Mix)
Spin Spin Sugar (Farley & Heller’s Fire Island Vocal Mix)
Spin Spin Sugar (Phluide’s Creeping Vine Mix)
Everyone’s favorite also-rans in the world of female-led trip-hop groups! Okay, that’s a little harsh, but seriously can anyone who doesn’t own a Sneaker Pimps album name another song of theirs off the top of their head? These remixes are from a 12” single.
I know I promised some killer shit but that’s all I got for now. I’m super-backed up because of Lollapalooza and the flu. Hopefully I’ll have some better stuff later on this week.
Great writing/reporting. As in life, people at music festivals/concerts have different agendas as to why they are there. Socialize, get wasted, sell drugs/merchandise, be trendy, fight/get rowdy, etc. Some of us are into hearing/seeing the music as well. You’d think after Woodstock2, everyone would have gotten the message.
Fabulous rant. Had me in stitches.
Gonna have to post a Depeche Mode track this evening at ACID TED for you.
i can name a sneaker pimps track off the top of my head without owning an album and it’s not ‘6 underground’. the track i have in mind is “tesko suicide”.
anywho, great stuff both musically and rant-wise…especially the rant part hehe.
The real question would be if anyone can name a Sneaker Pimps song from after the girl left and some dude became the lead singer. I know I can’t.
Just wanna let you know, that the “dude” singer is the guy who actually created The Sneaker Pimps – at age 15! – AND wrote all those songs. Kelly Ali just happened to be the singer fronting the band on the first album.
His name is Chris Corner, and he is super f’king talented. Check out his post-SP band – IAMX
http://www.myspace.com/iamx
You should feature some of his tracks here.
For realz 🙂
IAMX/Chris Corner (and Robots In Disguise, whose first album he produced) is/are awesome.
I don’t own the albums “Bloodsport” or “Splinter”, but I can most certainly name the song “Loretta Young Silks”. Epic.
Didn’t realize you were there reporting. So was I — and I got sick afterwards too! (Sinus/inner ear infection…head damn near exploded on the plane home.) Did we run into each other? My coverage is over at http://mxdwn.com and I’ll have my own behind-the-scenes stuff on my own blog in the next day or two.
Totally agree with you about Rage and Radiohead among other things. Sadly, I was a douchebag on the steps near the media tent but that was only for Radiohead, after they hand-picked photographers from the media pool. Artsy bastards.