So I went to see Morrissey in Ann Arbor last night. It was an amazing show. The boy is at the top of his game and has a stage presence that is unlike anything I’ve seen before. Guys go batshit crazy for that dude! I don’t know how many tried rushing the stage, I lost count around 10 or so. It must be a great self-esteem boost for a dude in his 40s to see guys half his age risk life and limb for the chance to almost touch him.
The only thing that annoyed me about the show was all the idiots that were sitting around me. Nearly every single type of annoying concert-going person was jammed into the seats around me and I damn near lost my mind. It amazes how many people don’t know how to act at concerts. Because of this I present:
The Lost Turntable Guide To Proper Concert Etiquette.
(this is very long)
Rule No. 1: Shut the fuck up. You’re surrounded by hundreds of people who paid good money to hear live music, not hear you blare into your friend’s ear about how much your best friend Tiffany is a bitch for hitting on your boyfriend. Once the lights go down, your conversation stops. The music is really loud for a reason.
Rule No. 2: Put your tongue back in your fucking mouth. Making out to “How Soon Is Now” is bad enough, making out while sitting in a cramped concert hall to any song is just uncalled for. If you’re at a concert with fixed seating and the person sitting behind you has to move their knee so you can stick your tongue in your significant other’s ear – then your are way too far into their “buffer zone” to initiate such a graphic PDA. The next time a girl in a row below me starts sucking face with her boyfriend I’m going to grab her head and nudge her to my crotch. Hey baby, if you’re going to grind yourself all over someone when your that close to me I’m going to consider that an invitation to a threesome. And guys, if your girlfriend starts making out with you in public and you can’t….hide your excitement…then you need to go somewhere and take care of that. You’ll poke somebody’s eye out with that thing.
Rule No. 3: STAND THE FUCK UP! If everyone in front of you and everyone behind you is standing up, don’t complain about not being able to see. Get off your fat ass (put your hands in your pants if you have to hide your “love” for the music) so you can see. It’s not that hard. If you pull on the shirt of the guy in front of you in hopes that he will sit down, he is given the right to punch you in the face. Sorry, that’s the rule. It’s also a rule that you have to stand up and scream like an idiot when “How Soon is Now” starts.
Rule No. 4: Don’t bitch about being short. Inversely speaking, don’t bitch about someone in front of you who is very tall. I’m six and a half feet tall. Me being tall is not going to stop me from enjoying live music from the best possible position. If you don’t like it then move. I’m not going to, especially if I was there first and you stood behind me for the entire opening act and didn’t complain once. The only time I ever called a woman the c-word to her face was when she yelled at me for blocking her view. I have no control over my height honey, go fuck yourself. If you ask nicely I can try to move, but you’re the one with the problem, not me.
Rule No. 5: Don’t yell out song titles. Look, if Morrissey wants to sing ‘Bigmouth Strikes Again’ he’s going to. Your drunken, barely coherent scream (that he can’t even hear) isn’t going to convince him otherwise. On a related note, if you still yell “FREEBIRD!!” at a show then you should be made sterile as a service to the future of humanity.
That’s is all, now here are some songs for the people I haven’t offended.
Erasure
Love To Hate You (Paul Dakeyne Mix)
Vitamin C
La La La
The second half of the ‘Love To Hate You 12” single. Erasure is going on tour soon, if you go see them make sure to abide to my concert rules or you might end up getting accosted by a large dude ironically wearing an AC/DC shirt.
Pet Shop Boys
So Hard (The KLF vs. Pet Shop Boys Mix)
I have some more KLF stuff I’ll be putting up in a week or so. I left those files in Pittsburgh. This weird mix they did is off of the 12” for ‘So Hard.’
New Order
KRAFTY (The Passengerz Revolution Club Mix)
Jetstream (Arthur Baker Remix)
Jetstream (Tom Neville Remix)
The rest of the double-LP ‘Jetstream’ single. I recommend the KRAFTY remix. Is dope yo.
You made me laugh very hard,thank you 🙂
This is too funny. What is it about Morrissey shows that make people lose all sense of the people around them? When I saw him back in 2002 these two lesbians standing next to me practically fingerbanged each other through the entire show. I know it’s a cliche but GET A FUCKING ROOM!
Whatever…Love your blog but I’d hate to go to a show with you. Some of your concert going etiquette is valid, but you’re a bit of a tight-ass.
…actually tight-assedness is a virtue, particularly at live shows because you can always poke fun at the poseurs/scenesters/unmitigated hipster quotient in the room with said person.
well played & fucking bravo.
Here here…perfect etiquette. If only idiots I’ve encountered at shows would follow it…
Nice rules! Whats wrong with being a tight-ass when it comes to concert going? I’m even worse. At the David Bowie concert (my first Bowie concert) two years ago, I got so fed up with the people around me, that I, the Bowie fanatic, LEFT DURING THE FOURTH LAST SONG of the show!! i could hear Ziggy Stardust and HEROES still going in the distance while I was walking away…Sad but true. Why? I was close to the stage throughout the whole show and the show was brilliant! BUT I just got tired of being trampled on. I’m not that tall and I’m not that strong either and I was in a sea of big, pushy, mad and insane people (all younger than me!) The hubby had to protect me. Oh, and it rained cats and dogs and was very cold. Ah well, was still worthit, but I’m afraid my days of big stadium outdoor concerts are now officially over..
I’m with you on all of these, especially the freebird thing.
On a whim tonight I decided to see if I could by any possible remote chance find any tunes from Urgh! A Music War…
After I stopped doing backflips of joy, I had to write and just say… THANK YOU!
Great blog you got here. (On top of it all I scooped up “Cold Life” by Ministry!)
Thanks, I’ll be back. Keep up the great work.