I’m Sure The Punisher Rocks Out to Power Ballads too.

I have much to say about the music tonight, so lets just get to it.

Nicki French
Total Eclipse Of The Heart (Extended Mix)
Total Eclipse Of The Heart (Mobius Loop Mix)
Total Eclipse Of The Heart (Radio Edit)
Total Eclipse Of The Heart (7” Edit)

So I have a theory. That theory is that “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” is the greatest song of all time. What? You going to argue that with me? Try It.

“Total Eclipse Of The Heart” is one of the most perfect songs ever written. What I mean by that is that Jim Steinman wrote it with the intention of writing a bombastic, over-the-top, brilliant power ballad and that’s exactly what he did. He created exactly what he wanted to. To me that’s the most important measure of success; creating what you intended to. I think the only song that is more successful on that level is “Layla” since Clapton wrote with the sole intention of impressing Pattie Boyd enough for her to sleep with him, and it worked.

Some people call the song a “guilty pleasure.” Those people can fuck off. Chuck Klosterman once said that songs can’t be guilty pleasures, because for something to be a guilty pleasure it has to hurt you or someone else. Cocaine, he said, is a guilty pleasure, not a seven-minute power ballad. I don’t think “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” ever killed anyone, unless it was by the sheer power of its awesomeness.

I love “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” because it’s just bombastic enough. Yes, there are songs more over the top than this, and yes, Jim Steinman wrote most of them. I think when he gets crazier than this song he just takes it too far.  For example, there’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me.” I like some versions of that song, but it’s really just too much. It’s too romantic, too over-the-top, too crazy. But that”s not surprising when you find out it was inspired by the scene in  Wuthering Heights where Heathcliff digs up Catherine’s corpse and dances with it.

But this song is just insane enough to work perfectly.

The original version was of course performed by Bonnie Tyler, but this dance/house version by Nicki French is fucking great, and almost as good as the original. The only thing that really holds it back is French’s voice. She can sing, don’t get me wrong, but she’s no Bonnie Tyler. This track makes me want to dance like a mental patient, sing karaoke and hold up a lighter all at the same time. Which is probably dangerous, so I won’t do it.

Justice (Mix+Magix Clubtool)
Justice (Nikos vs. Porcell Remix)

And here’s a dance track that features a vocal sample from Dolph Lundgren’s version of The Punisher. Because this blog post wasn’t stupid enough already.

6 Responses to “I’m Sure The Punisher Rocks Out to Power Ballads too.”

  1. Fictional Queen says:

    Okay,I just had to listen to that song.A few paragraphs in praise of that song?It must be awesome if you like it that much!
    I’m shaking my butt right now.Heh,it’s so cool!

  2. Homer J says:

    My favourite version of ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’ is by a scandanavian group who use kitchen appliances 4 drums,the vids hilarious. Damn i can’t find it on my USB stick,but it’s gr8! Very melodic !!! Anyone know the group? as i can’t remember it!

  3. Laura says:

    How dare you talk about Dolph and yet fail to provide any accompanying photos!

  4. jacob says:

    Sorry..but no ones touches the version by Bonnie Tyler..this version was one of the first of the euro trash that would later come out from other singers such as
    DJ Sammy -Heaven– from Bryan Adams
    and DHT-Listen to Your Heart-Roxette

    cheap production costs and eager female artists who yearn for some attention to their work strike gold with these cover versions..and im all for cover versions of songs- but these quicky dance versions that were all the rage are just dont so justice.

  5. Milo Bloom says:

    The Dan Band’s cover (as seen on Old School) is my favourite:

  6. Paul says:

    Can’t think about Total Eclipse without thinking of this flowchart…

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