The only thing that pisses me off more than sub-human radio DJs is shitty writing.

Anyone else loving the shit that Pitchfork is getting for their bullshit review of The Black Kids’ debut LP? I sure as hell am. I’ve previously slammed the elitist music site for their pretentious “writing” and it’s great to see that others are beginning to take notice of their douchebag ways.

Like I said before, I don’t care if they, or anybody else for that matter, hates an album. Hate all you want! We all know I’m a hateful asshole! But if you’re going to call yourself a music critic then you should have the balls to back up your opinion. That’s what being a critic means! Way to be a bunch of lazy assholes. If you don’t want to put forth the effort to actually write and back up your opinion then you don’t deserve to be a music critic. I know dozens of people that would kill for the chance to get paid to write about music.

This “review” is also insulting because it implies that without Pitchfork The Black Kids wouldn’t exist in the first place. I know Pitchfork is a powerful force in the world of online music magazines, but get over yourself already. And if you’re really solely responsible for the rise of The Black Kids and you feel as if you’ve made a grievous error in doing so then we deserve a better apology than a dog version of LOLcats.

And while I’m on that topic, ever notice that Pitchfork’s “joke” reviews seem to draw from internet fads that hae already come and gone 10 times over? As I said before that video of the monkey drinking it’s own piss that they used for the Jet review is only about five minutes older than the internet itself.

I highly doubt anyone at Pitchfork reads my dinky little blog, but just in case they do I’ve also prepared a criticial analysis of their site specially for them, “written” in their language:

(Image stolen from Hugpug.com)

Men Without Hats
Moonbeam (Extended Vocal Version)
Dub Beam
Moonbeam (House Is A Home Mix)
Moonbeam (Bacc-A-Apella/Vocal)
I wonder what Pitchfork would say about Men Without Hats? They’d probably love them becuase they’re from Montreal. Think about it, you can totally hear the Men Without Hats influences in Arcade Fire. These tracks are from a 12” single. And this song kicks total ass by the way.

Art Of Noise
Yebo! (Club Mix)
Yebo! (Underground Mix)
Yebo! (Mbaganga Mix)
I’m surprised at myself for not featuring more Art Of Noise tracks. All I’ve put up so far was been their more gimmicky work including that song with Max Headroom and their awful remake of the theme to Dragnet. I got some more Art Of Noise but I’m going to have to re-record them because they sound like shit. “Yebo!” isn’t one of the group’s more well-known singles, but I like it. I think it’s one of the better world music/electronica combinations.

Depeche Mode
Master And Servant (U.S. Black & Blue Version)
(Set Me Free) Remotivate Me
Are People People?
The Meaning Of Love (Fairly Odd Mix)
Oberkorn (It’s A Small Town) (Development Mix)
Only about 60 or so more Depeche Mode remixes/b-sides and then I’m done. It’s going to be a long couple of months. These are from some 12” singles. You can find out which ones by downloading them.

Offfensive Political Rant

Michael Savage is a horrible c-nt. I hope his dick gets ripped off and shoved up his own asshole, two horses in heat try to copulate with his ears and an angry ice scream server scoops out his eyes with one of those heated spoon things so someone pour kerosene down his eye sockets and light the stupid motherfucker on fire.

Sure, I could have just called the idiot an asshole, but when I insult someone I do it creatively.

On a related note, Michael Savage’s son owns Rockstar. I think it’s time we stopped drinking that energy drink.

End Of Offensive Political Rant

The real sad part is that this isn’t the most disgusting thing I heard all weekend? I mean, did you hear the new Chris Cornell song?!?!? It’s just…I mean…..damn.

Okay, now onto the music for tonight.

Moby
Everytime You Touch Me (12” Beatmasters Mix)
Everytime You Touch Me (Freestyle Mix)
Everytime You Touch Me (Uplifting Edit)
Everytime You Touch Me (Progressive Edit)
Everytime You Touch Me (Na Feel Mix)
Everytime You Touch Me (Organic Mix)
Everytime You Touch Me (NYC Jungle Mix)
Everytime You Touch Me (Pure Joy Mix)
What is the reggae dude yelling in this song? “Every masse is real from the scene?” Huh? Can someone please translate for me? I don’t speak “awesome MC dude.” In case your wondering that’s nearly 50 minutes of “Everytime You Touch Me.” Excessive? Yeah probably, but Moby once released an entire CD of “Go” remixes. So this is light by comparison. And it’s a great song. I got all of these from a 2-LP 12” promo single set. Some of them were never put on CD as far as I know.

Depeche Mode
Home (Jedi Knights Remix Drowning In Time)
Home (Air “Around The Golf” Remix)
Home (Meant To Be)
Home (Grantby Mix)
It looks like Depeche Mode hired whomever does the remix naming for Erasure when it came to the first two “Home” remixes. But while “Jedi Knights Remix Drowning In Time” is a pretty sweet remix title, it still doesn’t hold a candle to “Orbital Southsea Isle Of Holy Beats Mix” or “Truly In Love With The Marx Bros. Mix” (actual Erasure remix titles). These remixes are from a 12” single.

This is the most 80s my blog has been in a very long while. Get out your day-glo.

Aztec Camera
Somewhere In My Heart (Remix)
Somewhere In My Heart (Alternate Mix)
I know very little about this band. In fact the only reason I own this 12” single is because a friend asked me to record it for them. I heard they did a duet with Mick Jones though, I’ll have to track that single down. Awesome band name though.

Underworld
Stand Up (Extended Dance Mix)
Stand Up (Ya House Mix)
Outskirts
Underneath The Radar (12” Remix)
Did you know that Underworld used to be a synthpop dance band? I sure as hell didn’t when I picked up these singles so imagine my surprise. Not only was I surprised by the songs’ decidedly Top 40-ness, I was also surprised by just how damn amazingly great they were. These tracks were from before Emerson joined the group and ever since he left they haven’t really been the same. Maybe they should go back to the synthpop, it’s kind of popular again. Have any of these songs been played live since 1990? I love it when a band has the guts to totally transform themselves like these guys did, it’s like when Pantera ditched the glam or when Alanis ditched the…Canada.

Anways, the first three tracks are from the single to “Stand Up” and the mix of “Underneath The Radar” (which is HOLY SHIT good btw) is from a promo 12”. And although I love all of these songs, they all just remind that I love “Born Slippy .NUXX” so I end up cutting them off halfway through and putting that song on – so they ain’t that great.

Wang Chung
Everybody Have Fun Tonight (12 Inches Of Fun)
Fun Tonight: The Early Years
I got shit to say about Wang Chung dammit. I like Wang Chung! That’s right, I said it. I’ve always thought the band got a shit rap for this song, which is actually a pretty damn good pop song that holds up. And I mentioned this before, but I want to say it again – their soundtrack for To Live And Die In L.A. is a great underrated piece of 80s goodness (much like the movie itself) and you should check it out. This single is great because of the later track, which as the title suggest, is from the band’s early years when they were more experimental.

Holy Shit.

It’s been said that arguing on the internet is like the Special Olypmics. Even if you win you’re still retarded.

So, if you’re a Tokio Hotel/Jonas Brothers fan and you’re arguing about who is better what is that? Is that like winning the “most vegitative” contest at a hospice? Look, if you like Tokio Hotel or The Jonas Brothers enough to argue about them over the internet do the world a favor and kill your-okay that’s a bit harsh (but just barely), suicide probably ins’t the answer, but jesus…buy a damn Nirvana album. You obviously have some learning to do.

The Pogues
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (Extended Version)
The Limerick Rate
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
I love Shane MacGowan, he’s such a drunk that he was kicked out of an Irish punk band. He should start a new band with Slash, Michael Anthony from Van Halen and Iron Maiden’s Clive Burr. They could be called R.U.I. (Rocking Under the Influence). Of course, they’d only get one song in before they all collapsed on stage, but it would be awesome. The extended version of “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” and “The Limerick Rate” are from a 12” single. Their version of the Morricone classic “The Good The Bad And The Ugly” is from my vinyl copy of Straight To Hell Soundtrack. This Alex Cox western is a fucked up classic and it has a killer soundtrack. For some reason the CD re-issue of it doesn’t have this killer tune by everyone’s favorite drunen Irishmen.

Pray For Rain
The Killers (Main Title Theme)
Money, Guns And Coffee
Speaking of the soundtrack to Straight To Hell…These two tracks were also on the original vinyl release but “The Killers” was chopped down by about a minute for the CD release for some reason, and “Money, Guns And Coffee” was taken off completely. If you watch Alex Cox films then you’ve heard Pray For Rain before, they seem to be his in-house band and have done the soundtracks for most of his movies.

Duck You Sucker – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
I’m feeling Westerny tonight so let’s keep it up. Duck, You Sucker was the last western directed by Sergio Leone, who previously did the Man With No Name trilogy and the uber-epic Once Upon A Time In The West. It’s his least known western, probably because of it’s b-level cast and the admittiedly pretty stupid title. Like every other Leone film the score was provided by the ultra-prolific Ennio Morricone, who has done something like 80 bagillion film scores. It’s one of his odder pieces and while it doesn’t have the instantly recognizable hooks of his more famous work from The Good The Bad And The Ugly, it’s still a must have for western fans. It’s been out of print in the US for a while now. If you really like it though I recommend picking up the import version which includes an entirely alternate performance of the score. It also probably sounds a hell of a lot better than my recording of the vinyl, which is kind of scratchy.

I know who you are and I know where you live.

Okay, not really, but I do know how a lot of people find my site thanks to Statcounter. I use it mostly to track how many people come here (not many, but enough to keep me happy) and how they get here, (usually Hype Machine and Elbows). However, they do have a feature that allows me to see what search keywords lead people to my little corner of angst and remixes. That’s the part that scares the fuck out of me. Let me share with you some search terms that people have used to end up at my site:

crackheads
suck on it
turntable seen in indecent proposal
what should vampires eat
what was charlie sheen’s childhood fear

The first two aren’t that odd (although the fact that the people searching for them clicked on my site is a little bizarre) but the last three confuse me, and that last one makes my fucking brain hurt. What the fuck!? Who the fuck searches for that? Is Denise Richards looking for new ways to fuck with him? Seriously, what the fuck?

Enough of that bullshit, let’s move onto something less confusing, like experimental Icelandic music.

Sigur Rós
Rafmagnið Búið/Ný Batterí
Bíum Bíum Bambaló
Dánarfregnir Og Jarðarfarir
Fuck speaking it, Icelandic is a hard language to type.
Anyways, this is the last band I expected to talk about here (that’s not true, the last band you’ll ever hear me talking about is Starship). I am very much not a post-rock fan. I don’t like it now and I didn’t like it when it was called Shoegaze. I’ve tried to give Sigur Rós a chance before and got burned in the process. However, I guess I’m growing musically because after picking up a couple singles by the band a few days ago I find myself somewhat enjoying them. I still won’t listen to them while driving though, that would be suicide.

Okay, now I’m going to attempt to describe what these songs are and where they came from using the best of my abilities (and my copy/paste skills, because I am not spelling these bitches out manually). Rafmagnið búið/Ný Batterí is actually two songs, the former is an extended horn intro of the latter. I didn’t split them up because I couldn’t figure out when one ended and the other began. Once Ný Batterí gets going it’s identical to the album version. Both Bíum Bíum Bambaló and Dánarfregnir Og Jarðarfarir originally appeared on the soundtrack to the film Angels Of The Universe and as far as I can tell they never appeared on a proper Sigur Rós album. Please correct me if I am wrong about the information, but don’t correct me on the spelling of this shit or I will kill you.

Siouxsie & The Banshees
Slowdive (12” Version)
Obsession II
Cannibal Roses
The Last Beat Of My Heart (Live At Lollapalooza)
Overground (Live At KROQ Christmas Show)
One day Siouxsie and me will run off together and have big-haired children who sing fucked up Beatles covers. Until that day comes I will have to make due with obscure B-sides and live recordings. The first three tracks are from the 12” single to Slowdive and the last two are from a sampler that was given out to radio stations.

Depeche Mode
It’s No Good (Hardfloor Mix)
Slowblow
It’s No Good (Speedy J Mix)
It’s No Good (Bass Bounce Mix)
Slowblow (Darren Price Mix)
And tonight’s obligatory Depeche Mode post was brought to you by Spill.com. Okay, that’s not true, I just really like that site and like I said before my desire to talk about Depeche Mode is far less than my desire to continue to post Depeche Mode songs. The first four tracks are from the CD single of It’s No Good, so if you detect any turntable-related problems with those you’re an asshole. The last one is from a 12” It’s No Good single, for some reason that mix wasn’t on the CD single I had.

When I can’t think of a title for a post I just come up with a stupid rhyme associated with a song title or band name. I’m so damn clever.

Information Society
What’s On Your Mind (Pure Energy) (Club Mix)
What’s On Your Mind (Pure Energy) (The 54 Mix)
What’s On Your Mind (Pure Energy) (Percappella)
What’s On Your Mind (Pure Energy) (What’s On Your Dub Mix)
The best ever synthpop song featuring a sample of Spock. These remixes are from the 12” single and are the last InSoc tracks I’ll be putting up for a while so savor them forever.

I Am The World Trade Center
Shoot You Down (The Minority Report Remix)
Don’t You Want Me
The best ever synthpop band with the most unfortunate name in the history of music. The first is a remix of their cover of the song by The Stone Roses and the second, as you probably already know, is a cover of the classic Human League song.

Depeche Mode
It’s Called A Heart (Slow Mix)
Fly On The Windscreen (Death Mix)
The best ever subtitle to a synthpop single of all time is on the 2-LP version of “It’s Called A Heart” which is “Special Limited Edition Twin Set Costing No More Than Two Pounds & Ninety Nine Pence.” They weren’t fucking around with it being limited either, as The Slow Mix was never released anywhere else (unless you count the ridiculous iTunes “box set” that has a bunch of ultra-rare songs that are only available if you buy the whole thing for $170). However, I paid far more than 2 Pounds and Ninety Nine Pence for the LP set – at least I think I did – I don’t know what the conversion of dollars to pounds is right now.

I have to give props to another blog out there, and since everyone knows what an egotistical self-centered prick I am then you know that really means something. The guys at Trash Menagerie have taken it upon themselves are hosting The Noise Crew’s drastic remix of Portishead’s amazing new album Third. The result is Third Floor and it’s shockingly good. Go check it.

Okay, enough about other people, let’s get to back to me and my impecible taste in music.

Information Society
Lay All Your Love On Me (Justin Strauss Remix)
Lay All Your Love On Me (Restricted Mix)
Lay All Your Love On Me (Radio Hot Mix)
Lay All Your Love On Me (Phil Harding Metal Mega Mix)
Funky At 45
I am not an Abba fan. Never have been and unless I suffer some bizarre head trauma I highly doubt I ever will be. Strangely, I do like it when other artists cover their music. I own Erasure’s ABBAeqsue, and whenever I listen to it I have to immediately listen to Motorhead afterward to balance myself out. Anyways, I’ve always like Erasure’s take on this song, but after hearing Information Society’s take on it I’m going to have to say that theirs is even better. Now if they could just cover “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)” that would be amazing. In case you’re wondering, “Funky At 45” is the b-side.

Depeche Mode
Shake The Disease (Edit The Shake)
Master And Servant (Live)
Flexible (Pre-Deportation Mix)
Something To Do (Metalmix)
Sibeling
Enjoy The Silence (Ricki Tik Tik Mix)
Enjoy The Silence (Harmonium)
More from The Great Depeche Mode Purge of 2008. I hope to get the other 20 billion or so Depeche Mode tracks I have from singles and imports up here someday. The first four tracks are from the Shake The Disease 12” single and the last three are from the CD single of “Enjoy The Silence”. The Metalmix of “Something to Do” is one of my favorite Depeche Mode remixes, it’s not as good as the mindfucking wacky “The Dead Of Night (Electronicat Remix)” but it’s damn close.

Shelia E.
The Glamorous Life (Club Edit)
The Glamorous Life Part II
I’ve been strangely infactuated with this song ever since I discovered The Fever’s remake (and remixes) on their b-side to “Ladyfingers.” I guess I’ve been getting more and more into Prince over the past few months, and I should just break down and buy some of his albums already, I don’t even own Purple Rain but I own the single to “7”. I have fucked up priorities. The Club Mix is an extended mix and “Part II” is a dub version/drum solo.

Everyone have a good 4th of July celebrating our rapidly deteorating freedoms that we take for granted every other day of the year?

Was that a little harsh? Okay…um…aren’t fireworks neat?!?!

Eddy Grant
Electric Avenue (12” Version)
Time Warp
When I first moved to Pittsburgh I needed a job really bad. One day I saw an ad for a clerk in an adult video store out in East Pittsburgh. I wanted to check it out because it was a third shift job and it was probably easy enough so I could write at work. I got lost on the way there and gave up when I realized how far away it was from my house. The night point of that trip though was finding out that there’s an Electric Avenue in Pittsburgh. Not only that, it intersects with Dynamo Way. That’s fucking awesome. The 12” version of “Electric Avenue” is about two minutes longer, and those two minutes are mostly Eddy Grant just saying “Oh!” which is fine by me. “Time Warp” is a very odd instrumental tune that I don’t think ever made it to an album.

X-Press 2
Lazy
Lazy (Norman Cook Dub)
Lazy (Norman Cook Remix)
Lazy (Peace Division Dub)
What a shitty band name. X-Press 2 is a trio of European DJs who hit it big on the club scene with the occasional single before releasing their first album Muzikizum in 2001. I know nothing of it other than the fact that it has this song on it. And the only reason I know that is because this song features David Byrne on vocals, so I had to own it. I got these remixes from a 12” single and they have the occasional poppy noise. The Norman Cook Remix sounds like it’s skipping at the beginning, but it’s not, that’s how it’s supposed to sound. Interesting side note: David Byrne is now collaborating with on the remixers of this track, Norman Cook (AKA Fatboy Slim) on a new project called The Brighton Port Authority. They have a video out and it is AMAZING.

Information Society
Peace And Love Incorporated (Passion Mix)
Peace And Love Incorporated (Passion Dub)
Peace And Love Incorporated (Radio Remix)
Peace And Love Incorporated (Disco Mosh Pit Mix)
To The City
Best 80s synthpop band named after a 1984 reference. These tracks are from a 12” single. “To The City” is a b-side that, as far as I know, has yet to appear on anything else – which is a shame because it is a totally awesome house track. It is not a cover of the Joe Walsh song of the same name, which is most unfortunate because that would have been sweet. “Peace And Love” is such a great song and really shows that their shit is much more than just silly dance music (although they do that really well too). More InSoc later.

I interviewed Girl Talk. He’s awesome. The interview is awesome. For good measure let’s say I’m awesome too. Go read it and tell all your friends to read it as well. Then you might be awesome too.

Now let’s all celebrate our new awesomeness by listening to music from cartoons (and cartoon-related media)

Partners In Kryme
Turtle Power
I vividly remember seeing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in the theaters. I was 10 years old and in fifth grade at the time. My dad owned a video store and someone hooked him up with passes to a sneak preview of the movie a day before its release. Him and me, along with about four of my friends went. The place was freakin’ packed full of screaming kids and very confused parents. We all thought the movie was amazing (of course) and the next day I was the coolest motherfucker in 5th grade because I had seen the movie before anyone else in my class. Up until high school I was pretty hardcore into the TMNT, and I still have a Casey Jones action figure, he protects me from evil ninjas. I still haven’t gotten around to seeing the CGI movie from last year, but I hear it was actually pretty good so I might get around to it sometime.

I don’t remember owning the soundtrack to the first movie, although I’m pretty sure my next-door neighbor did and we used to rock out to it after school before Duck Tales came on. This track was a big hit single, but in retrospect it probably was not the best career move for the rapping duo known as Partners In Kryme, as they were never heard from again.

Orchestra On The Half Shell
Splinter’s Rap I
Splinter’s Rap II
These two tracks are the origin of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as told by the all-powerful rat sensei Splinter. Apparently these monologues are different than the versions in the film – but I’m not going to dig out my VHS tape to compare, I’ll just take Wikipedia’s word for it. These tracks and the Partners In Kryme number were all taken from the 12” single for Turtle Power.

Bis
Super Secret City Of Soundville Song Extended (Remixed By Ursula 1000)
The Powerpuff Girls came out when I was in college, and not being a big pot smoker I was never hugely into them or anything else on the Cartoon Network at the time. I got into it later though (the show, not the pot) thanks a very easy schedule my senior year that gave me a lot of TV time. I’ve always thought Mojo Jojo should have had his own series. I got this nifty neato keen 12” single (and it’s pink!)