Squirrels! And Pop Music!

There’s a monster behind me.

Well, not a monster. But something. And it’s literally behind me. In my closet.

Let me explain. My office/gaming area/general nerd den has a closet that is directly my computer desk. On Monday morning I was cleaning up when I heard a strange noise coming from said closet. I glanced over and saw a fucking paw sticking out from under the door. That door has no latch. The only thing separating me from the furry demon on the other side was the chance that it wouldn’t actually press up against the door.

I made a beeline for the door, putting my weight against it, it scurried off (probably back out the way it came, the door to the attic) and I immediately threw about four heavy boxes in front of the door, just in case it decided to return.

Now whenever I hear a noise in my home I naturally assume it’s another squirrel/muskrat/raccoon/opossum/bigfoot/that fucking thing in the Creepshow movie and that it’s secretly, quietly plotting a way to get out from the closet and to me so it can murderize me.

So if you see a headline about a large man in Pittsburgh being found dead in his house under mysterious circumstances, know it was the squirrels. They came for me…

So um…who wants some 80s pop music?

Janet Jackson
Control (The Video Mix)
What Have You Done For Me Lately (Extended Mix)
When I Think Of You (Dance Remix)
Let’s Wait Awhile (Remix)
I got these tracks from a remix album! Remember remix albums? Shit, remember albums?

Kylie Minogue
It’s No Secret (12″ Version)
Made In Heaven (Maid In England Mix)
That is not a typo, it is supposed to be “Maid.” Why? Fuck if I know. Let’s just blame it on the 80s and move on.

Like most 80s Kylie, this is some sugary pop music. Sweet as cotton candy and just as light. I listen to it now more as a curiosity than anything else, it hasn’t exactly stood the test of time (unlike her cover of “Locomotion,” which is still bangin’). I know Kylie has in the past taken some her older material and updated it for her live show, but I can’t imagine that either of these songs could be updated in anyway at all. They sound more like Debbie Gibson tunes than Kylie tracks.

7 Responses to “Squirrels! And Pop Music!”

  1. Chris says:

    Maybe they were thinking of the Be Bop Deluxe song from the previous decade:

    “She’s a maid in heaven

    He’s a knight on the tiles”

    Still one of my favourite lines though not a patch on Bill Nelson’ s later, solo stuff.

  2. Bunny says:

    Thanks for the Janet remixxxes. I only just bought Control on CD after having on cassette at the time. I forgot that I knew all the words to What Have You Done For Me… including the ‘talkie’ bit at the beginning. No wonder I got beat up at school (in England) walking around going, ‘Whassup, girl?’

    And I know you said ‘move on’ but the Australian Kylie was VERY popular in the UK and still is a sort of honorary Brit in the way Madonna wanted to be and then said she didn’t. So that explains the ‘maid’ in ‘England’ mix. I guess someone thought was kind of cute.

  3. Bunny says:

    P.S. Sorry. I really should listen to the music before leaving a comment but just to say that those Kylie songs are QUINTESSENTIALLY Kylie-sounding from that period because they’re produced (and written?) by Stock, Aitken and Waterman. That chugga-chugga rhythm on Made In Heaven, the uh-uh-uh vocal bit at the beginning, the synth orchestra stabs, those little clicky noises and fake handclaps and the syn-drum fillers (doof-doof-doof-doof) [excuse my layman’s language!] and heck even the MELODY are all classic SAW… which is why it also sounds like the Bananarama songs from the same era (e.g. Love In The First Degree) and Rick Astley and Jason Donovan and Sonia and Sinitta and Princess… and all the other products of the Hit Factory. They did nothing for me at the time – didn’t hate them, didn’t love them – but, since the SAW sound was the sonic wallpaper to my public teens (as opposed to the private one that I spent listening rolling around on my bedroom floor listening to The Sugarcubes, Fuzzbox and the aforementioned Janet Jackson on cassette) that sound certainly is evocative… X

  4. Bunny says:

    P.P.S. To walking around saying, ‘Whassup, girl?’ I would also like to add skipping about the cobbled streets of olde Yorkshire saying, ‘Bass!’ as well. Ha ha ha!

  5. Rockem says:

    You write some really funny shite there man!

  6. mifimusic says:

    Hilarious, and spooky. I had mice in my condo for half a year. It was carnage. They made it all the way to the 11th floor and came from under the baseboard heaters. Once those holes were sealed with steel wool, they decided to gnaw their way right through the walls. Before the condo, there was a house. Opossums lived there in the backyard and they looked like giant rats. Freaked me out. The raccoons ate all of my grapes just when they got ripe before I had a chance to picke them. And no lie, one night, I was coming home from the pub to my usual entrance around the back. A giant raccoon was standing guard and would not let me get through. I took a shovel and rushed at it and it finally budged. Turns out he was standing guard while the rest of them pigged out on my grapes. Fun stuff.

  7. Lost Turntable says:

    Well thanks for THAT series of nightmares!

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