It seems that quite a few blogs mentioned my stupid little rant about how much I hate idiot concert-goers. At one blog someone said that my anger towards people making out at concerts shows that I haven’t “gotten any” in a long time. That’s not fair because it is totally impossible to defend yourself against an attack like that. If I go on the offensive and say something like, “hey motherfucker, I get pussy every night” then I sound like I’m over compensating. If I ignore it then the person who said it assumes they are right. I’m going to let it be and say that I’m very happy that my blog is getting enough exposure that people are starting to speculate about my sex life.

Dazz Band
Joystick
Between songs like this and the entire soundtrack/film experience that was The Last Dragon (sho-nuff!), it’s amazing that Motown made it out of the 80s in one piece. This song is four minutes of “joystick as penis” and “high score as fucking” metaphors. Pure genius. When I’m making out with people at Morrissey concerts I think of this song.

Was (Not Was)
I Feel Better Than James Brown (Berwick Beat Mix)
The more I listen to Was (Not Was) the more impressed I become. While I used to consider them nothing more than one-hit wonders now I recognize them as the creators of some of the most unique songs of the 80s. This remix is eight minutes of insane ranting backed by nonsensical pseudo-African lyrics and a killer beat. The rants are not spoken by Bruce Campbell, even though the dude kind of sounds like him.

George Clinton (With Coolio)
Atomic Dog (Dogs Of The World Unite Mix)
Atomic Dog (Tail Waggin’ Club Mix)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Atomic Dog is a song that I will never get sick of no matter how many times I hear it. The same is true for these remixes from the 90s that feature some random rapping by wild-haired rapper Coolio. Whatever happened to Coolio? The last I saw him he was on Fear Factor battling Donny Osmond and Kelly Preston, which sounds like some sort of unholy trinity of reality show guest stars.

So I went to see Morrissey in Ann Arbor last night. It was an amazing show. The boy is at the top of his game and has a stage presence that is unlike anything I’ve seen before. Guys go batshit crazy for that dude! I don’t know how many tried rushing the stage, I lost count around 10 or so. It must be a great self-esteem boost for a dude in his 40s to see guys half his age risk life and limb for the chance to almost touch him.

The only thing that annoyed me about the show was all the idiots that were sitting around me. Nearly every single type of annoying concert-going person was jammed into the seats around me and I damn near lost my mind. It amazes how many people don’t know how to act at concerts. Because of this I present:

The Lost Turntable Guide To Proper Concert Etiquette.

(this is very long)

Rule No. 1: Shut the fuck up. You’re surrounded by hundreds of people who paid good money to hear live music, not hear you blare into your friend’s ear about how much your best friend Tiffany is a bitch for hitting on your boyfriend. Once the lights go down, your conversation stops. The music is really loud for a reason.

Rule No. 2: Put your tongue back in your fucking mouth. Making out to “How Soon Is Now” is bad enough, making out while sitting in a cramped concert hall to any song is just uncalled for. If you’re at a concert with fixed seating and the person sitting behind you has to move their knee so you can stick your tongue in your significant other’s ear – then your are way too far into their “buffer zone” to initiate such a graphic PDA. The next time a girl in a row below me starts sucking face with her boyfriend I’m going to grab her head and nudge her to my crotch. Hey baby, if you’re going to grind yourself all over someone when your that close to me I’m going to consider that an invitation to a threesome. And guys, if your girlfriend starts making out with you in public and you can’t….hide your excitement…then you need to go somewhere and take care of that. You’ll poke somebody’s eye out with that thing.

Rule No. 3: STAND THE FUCK UP! If everyone in front of you and everyone behind you is standing up, don’t complain about not being able to see. Get off your fat ass (put your hands in your pants if you have to hide your “love” for the music) so you can see. It’s not that hard. If you pull on the shirt of the guy in front of you in hopes that he will sit down, he is given the right to punch you in the face. Sorry, that’s the rule. It’s also a rule that you have to stand up and scream like an idiot when “How Soon is Now” starts.

Rule No. 4: Don’t bitch about being short. Inversely speaking, don’t bitch about someone in front of you who is very tall. I’m six and a half feet tall. Me being tall is not going to stop me from enjoying live music from the best possible position. If you don’t like it then move. I’m not going to, especially if I was there first and you stood behind me for the entire opening act and didn’t complain once. The only time I ever called a woman the c-word to her face was when she yelled at me for blocking her view. I have no control over my height honey, go fuck yourself. If you ask nicely I can try to move, but you’re the one with the problem, not me.

Rule No. 5: Don’t yell out song titles. Look, if Morrissey wants to sing ‘Bigmouth Strikes Again’ he’s going to. Your drunken, barely coherent scream (that he can’t even hear) isn’t going to convince him otherwise. On a related note, if you still yell “FREEBIRD!!” at a show then you should be made sterile as a service to the future of humanity.

That’s is all, now here are some songs for the people I haven’t offended.

Erasure
Love To Hate You (Paul Dakeyne Mix)
Vitamin C
La La La
The second half of the ‘Love To Hate You 12” single. Erasure is going on tour soon, if you go see them make sure to abide to my concert rules or you might end up getting accosted by a large dude ironically wearing an AC/DC shirt.

Pet Shop Boys
So Hard (The KLF vs. Pet Shop Boys Mix)
I have some more KLF stuff I’ll be putting up in a week or so. I left those files in Pittsburgh. This weird mix they did is off of the 12” for ‘So Hard.’

New Order
KRAFTY (The Passengerz Revolution Club Mix)
Jetstream (Arthur Baker Remix)
Jetstream (Tom Neville Remix)
The rest of the double-LP ‘Jetstream’ single. I recommend the KRAFTY remix. Is dope yo.

Depeche Mode, New Order and Erasure all in the same post! That’s a lot of synthesizer. I’m off to Toledo tomorrow morning (happy happy joy joy) and while there my only access to the internet will by my stepmom’s lousy laptop. So while I’m stuck in the barren wasteland of Northwest Ohio updates might be a little sparse. And in case anyone was wondering, I’m still looking for a good solution to my ever-growing bandwidth problem, so if anyone has one please let me know.

Depeche Mode
World In My Eyes (Oil Tank Mix)
World In My Eyes (Dub In My Eyes Mix)
Sea Of Sin (Sensoria Mix)
World In My Eyes (Mode To Joy Mix)
Happiest Girl (Jack Mix)
This is my 11th post to feature Depeche Mode, I’ve officially run out of things to say about them. Instead I will use this space to talk about Spider-Man 3. Overall, I’d give the flick a good review, but the middle section featuring Parker going all emo and shit was really annoying. Did he really need to wear all black and get a Panic! At The Disco haircut? Yeah he’s evil now, we got the point guys, no need for the wardrobe change. And Mary Jane was a total selfish bitch, Pete should have stuck with Gwen Stacy, she seemed like the kind of stupid girl who’s easy to please.

New Order
Jetstream (Jacques Lu Cont Remix)
Jetstream (Tom Neville Remix Dub)
Jetstream (Richard X Remix)
So New Order broke up? I can’t really say I’m depressed or shocked by the news. New Order rose from the ashes of Joy Division. Maybe a great band will rise from the ashes of New Order! Oh wait, one already did. Well maybe they’ll record another album finally.

Erasure
Love To Hate You (Bruce Forest Mix)
Vitamin C (Paul Dakeyne Mix)
Now Erasure is a band that is never going to break up. In fact their new album is coming out in less than two weeks. Thank God, I was running out of music to listen to that cause my friends to question my sexuality. Why is dance music associated with the g ay culture anyways? An apprceiation of club music and a fondness of a killer rack should not be mutually exclusive. Hell, ever been to a dance club? It’s like boobie central. These tracks are off of the ‘Love To Hate You’ 12”. More from it in a few days.

First things first. Thanks to the 80 billion people who let me know that Boymerang is the name of a producer and not the name of the remix. Still doesn’t change the fact that it’s a fucking awful name.

Anyways, I have so much stuff to get through that I completely abandoned the idea of themed posts and will just be throwing stuff up randomly for the next month or so. I have so much acid house right now that if I dedicated myself solely to that genre I’d be on it for weeks – and I don’t want to use up all my ecstasy and glow sticks that quickly.

So I’ll posting a lot of various crap in the coming weeks, which leads me to my next topic. I currently have server space through Apple with their .Mac account. While it’s been good to me for the past year, if I continue to post at this pace and grow in popularity (it’s a well-known fact that all the cool kids go to The Lost Turntable) I’m going to outgrow their services in a month or so. Does anyone know of a good cheap provider of server space? The amount of space isn’t an issue, I need a place that can give me a buttload of bandwidth. Right now I get 250GB from Apple and that’s barely cutting it. I need at least 50-100 gigs more. I’m never asking for donations and I refuse to use shit services like Sendspace or Rapidshare, so if you have a suggestion please let me know, preferably by email (address is on the sidebar). Good advice will be rewarded with baked goods, or some Mp3s maybe.

Enough with the boring business, let’s rock.

The KLF
3 A.M. Eternal (Guns Of Mu Mu)
3 A.M. Eternal (Klonk Blip Every Trip)
3 A.M. Eternal (Wayward Dub)
More wacky remixes by the merry pranksters as The KLF. The ‘Klonk Blip Every Trip’ mix sounds nothing at all like the original version and is very chill and ambient. The other two mixes are more what you would expect and are totally kicking. These came off of a 12” single.

John Cougar Mellencamp
Pink Houses (Acoustic Version)
For most people Erasure would qualify as a ‘guilty pleasure.’ But when you are an unabashed fan of Erasure, I guess that John Cougar Mellencamp would be a guilty pleasure. It’s all ‘eye of the beholder’ man. This acoustic version John’s best tune is off of a promo single. It’s on one of his re-released CDs too.

Tin Machine
Baby Universal (Extended Version)
Holy shit this song is catchier than the that disease in The Stand. Tin Machine was Bowie’s attempt at being in a band and served as a way for him to escape the unending pressure he felt to deliver another ‘China Girl’. The band was not liked critically and they only recorded two albums before David Bowie went back to being David Bowie. A lot of people (including me) think that their music was just ahead of its time and that people weren’t ready for Tin Machine’s unique breed of dance-fused rock. This awesome extended mix of one of their best songs (which tanked when it was released) serves as a solid argument to that case.

I scored a massively massive crate of 12” singles, rare soundtracks and all-around awesomeness this week. Many favorites of Lost Turntable will be making return appearances in the coming weeks, so keep checking in. Hopefully I’ll get most of them recorded before I have to make a week long trip to the wasteland that is Toledo, Ohio.

Luscious Jackson
Under Your Skin (Under Your Skank)
Naked Eye (Muscle Shock Remix Instrumental)
These are the last two remixes off of that promo single I’ve been posting tracks off of all week. I think ‘Under Your Skank’ wins my vote as the best remix title of all time that isn’t an Erasure song. No one can compete with remix titles like ‘No Panties Mix’, ‘Orbital Southsea Isle Of Holy Beats Mix’ and ‘Truly In Love With The Marx. Bros Mix.’

Soul Hooligan
Algebra (Dan The Automator Remix)
Algebra (Mr. Breaker & The Technician’s Remix)
I have no idea who Soul Hooligan is, but I buy anything with Dan The Automator’s name on it. These two remixes are off of a 12” promo are great indie-rap tunes.

Goldie (feat. KRS One)
Digital (V.I.P Mix)
Digital (Boymerang Mix)
Digital (Armand Van Helden’s Speed Garage Mix)
10-year-old Garage/drum-n-bass remixes about digital technology. Sounds like something the kids in the movie Hackers would ‘hack the planet’ to. Still good though. ‘Boymerang Mix’ gets my vote for one of the worst remix names of all time, sounds like some strange gay porno involving Aborigine hunting tools.

Let’s get into it. Tonight I got some alt-rock girl band dance music, gay British synthpop and pseudo-gay British synthpop! If anyone out there is looking for some tracks for a totally radical dance mixtape then they came to the right blog tonight.

Luscious Jackson
Under Your Skin (Aquatic Mix)
Naked Eye (Muscle Shock Remix)
More remixes from that 12” promo that I started putting stuff up from last week. I have two more that I’ll get to next time.

Pet Shop Boys
Love Comes Quickly (Dance Mix)
That’s My Impression (Disco Mix)
Calling a remix of a Pet Shop Boys song a ‘dance mix’ or a ‘disco mix’ is pretty damn redundant. It’s not like the original versions of either of these songs were hardcore techno or heavy metal. These are off of the 12” single for ‘Love Comes Quickly’.

Ministry
Cold Life
I’m Falling
Primental
Al Jourgensen (the frontman of Ministry) would like you to believe that he’s a hardcore motherfucker. That’s probably why he doesn’t like it when people bring up his first few records. While the majority of his work is hardcore, guitar-laden industrial bad-ass shit, his first few records have more in common with Soft Cell and Pet Shop Boys than anything by Nitzer Ebb or Skinny Puppy. He blames his record label for pressuring him into releasing a more pop-friendly album and I might be willing to believe that if he hadn’t have adopted a fake British accent for many of these songs! Anyways, Jourgenson probably wishes these tracks from his very first single didn’t ever see the light of day, but I feel the same way about Rio Grande Blood so let’s just call it even.

Thank Jeebus that I’m done with classes…for a whole week before the summer semester starts. Oh well. Since I’ve been locked up in my room studying all week I’ve recorded a hell of a lot of vinyl and am finally making a serious dent in the impressive pile of 12” singles, soundtracks and various other oddities that has been quietly mocking me for the past few months. With my week off I hope to finally get the rest of them done. I got some weird shit in there I really want to get up on here, including the soundtrack I previously mentioned that is for a movie that I can’t even find on the IMDB. I’m so very proud of that.

Pet Shop Boys
Where The Streets Have No Name (I Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You) (Extended Mix)
How Can You Expect To Be Taken Seriously (Extended Mix)
The first two of many, many Pet Shop Boys tracks I’ll be putting up in the coming week or so. I scored a buttload of 12” singles by them last week. Their cover of ‘Where The Streets Have No Name’ has always been one of my all-time favorite covers, right up there with The Vandals’ take on ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ and Pete Townsend’s live solo version of ‘Save It For Later.’ I definitely like it more than U2’s version, but I”m not a real big fan of U2. The addition of ‘I Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You’ is what really does it for me I think. It’s like an early-90s disco mash-up and I love me the mash-ups. ‘How Can You Expect To Be Taken Seriously’ is a good track too. Both of these are off of the 12” for ‘When The Streets…” and these versions are available on some of the Pet Shop Boys compilations that are out there.

New Order
I Don’t Care (Bizarre Love Dub)
Bizarre Love Triangle (7” Version)
Been a long while since I put some New Order up here. It wasn’t for lack of effort, it’s just that New Order singles aren’t exactly easy to find. The 7” version isn’t that remarkable, I’m only posting it because it was never put on an album. The dub is good as dub mixes go.

Luscious Jackson
Under Your Skin (The Shed Lbs Mix)
Naked Eye (The Propellerheads Mix)
What the fuck do you call Luscious Jackson’s music? Rock? Indie? Dance? The best I could come up with is ‘Alternative Dance’ which kind of sucks because I’ve always thought of that term as a way for snobs to label dance music they like. These are two tracks off of a 12” promo. I’ll be putting up more from it later on.

It’s May! I survived April by the skin of my teeth this year. I really have to start working on that underground bunker so I can hide from the whole world during that awful month. It’s going to need a lot of work though. I need enough power outlets for my Xbox, Wii, PS2 and my computer. I also need enough room for my LPs and my record player. I should probably figure out how to get a toilet in there too…and maybe have a tunnel that would take me directly to Jerry’s Records.

Shit, I got to get a shovel.

I need more rare punk for this blog, since I never have anything to put up when I’m feeling totally aggro like I am today. If you need to break something head over to Gimme Tinnitus, where you can get some hardcore tracks by Unsane, including ‘Scrape.’

Hot Hot Heat
Goodnight, Goodnight (EL-P Remix)
Goodnight, Goodnight (Boom Bip Remix)
Alternative garage rock remixed by underground indie rap. Why not?

VHS Or Beta
You Got Me (Baby Daddy Remix)
You Got Me (The Juan MacLean Remix)
Electronic dance music from a band named after a format war between two now-defunct video mediums. In 2020 I’m totally going to start my own band called Blu-Ray vs. HD-DVD. The ironic part will be that it’ll be a jazz ensemble. Did I say ironic? I meant retarded. These are both off a 12” single.

The Dandy Warhols
Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth (Rock Snobs Vocal Mix)
Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth (Rock Snobs Dub)
Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth (Rock Snobs Open Road)
Ever seen Dig? If you haven’t check it out it’s a totally amazing movie about both The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre and how one of those bands consists of complete douchebags. Watch it and find out for yourself. These awesome remixes of their first big hit is off of a 12” promo.

I accidentally left out three tracks on my giant Urgh! post. Is fixed now.

I was going to post the second Live At the 101 Club LP in it’s interity today, but I realized that the songs on it by The Fixx and Wang Chung were the exact same recordings that were on the first one. I’m redundant enough as it is. So here are the tracks from the second one that aren’t on the first, as well as a special treat for fans of Urgh! This will be my last post until finals are over for my on Wednesday. Well, I technically have a final on Thursday but since I didn’t study for the mid-term and I got the highest grade in the class I’m not that worried about it. Yay for the declining academic standards of our universities!

Philip Jap
Hermaphrodite
The Ambassadors
No idea who this dude is. ‘Hermaphordite’ is a great tune. Dude has one hell of an awful last name though.

Thompson Twins
Physics & Chemistry
Slave Trade
I mentioned in my last post that the songs by The Fixx and Wang Chung that were on the 101 live album had little in common with their later hits. Well, these two songs by Thompson Twins sound nothing like ‘Hold Me Now.’ Thank God, I fucking hate that damn song.

Jane Kennaway
Catch Cool
Scratching At The Surface
A No-Hit Wonder that shoulda been but wasn’t. Both these songs are pretty stellar.

Athletico Spizz 80 – Do A Runner
Yay, more complete albums on The Lost Turntable. I’m posting this for a few reasons. First, it’s a great early new-wave record. Secondly, it’s out of print and thirdly, it’s a record by a band that was on Urgh! a movie that long-time visitors to my blog recognize as the Holy Grail of New Wave concert movies. I’ve had the tracks from Urgh! spread out over a few posts for about a year now but I recently re-organized them into one simple post so those of you who have not grabbed all them now can with ease. Fans of Urgh! should also note that this album is the one that has ‘Clock Are Big’ on it, which is used as an intro to ‘Where’s Captain Kirk’ on the soundtrack. It easily gets my vote as the best 30 second tune ever.