Off-topic tip for everyone out there: Don’t buy Monster’s new “Java Monster” energy drink unless you think gas station coffee has too much flavor to it and not enough B12. That stuff tastes like shit and made me piss for about 20 minutes (and I got no buzz off of it either). If you dig coffee and like energy drinks I highly recommend Shock Coffee, that shit makes me fly (and I’m a big dude).

This has been The Lost Turntable’s Consumer Report for June 25th, 2007. Now enjoy the (remixed) music.

Moby
Southside (Hybrid Dishing Pump Remix)
Southside (Pete Heller Park Lane Vocal)
We Are All Made Of Stars (Timo Maas Vocal Remix)
We Are All Made Of Stars (Bob Sinclar Main Vocal Mix)
We Are All Made Of Stars (Downtempo Remix Edit)
Does anyone out there still like Moby? I was almost going to say “I do!”, but then I realized that even I thought his last album was a big steaming pile of donkey shit. I always give the little bald guy the benefit of the doubt though, I saw him live three times and each time he didn’t fail to deliver a high energy blast of bass-thumping dance music (with the occasional Ramones cover thrown in to spice things up). I also can’t hate on anyone that helped started a fued between Eminem and Triumph The Insult Dog Comic. I hope his next album is a good return to form. These remixes are off assorted 12” singles.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fight Life A Brave (Not Our Mix)
Fight Life A Brave (Mofo Mix)
Speaking of acts that used to be good…nah, I won’t bad mouth RHCP, I’m too tired to form a cohesive argument about their gradual selling out. I’ll just let these bitchin’ remixes off the first track from The Uplift Mofo Party (holy shit is that a great name for an album) speak for themselves. Listen to them and Dani California back-to-back and you tell me which is better.

Luscious Jackson
Nervous Breakthrough (Discoteque Electronique Remix)
Nervous Breakthrough (Buffalo Daughter’s Electric Dummy Mix)
Nervous Breakthrough (The Lush Mix)
Nervous Breakthrough (H2O Club Mix)
Nervous Breakthrough (Anxious Mix)
Nervous Breakthrough (Thievery Corporation Remix)
Okay, so that’s a lot of Luscious Jackson but hear me out. I wasn’t going to post all of these, I was only going to select the highlights and move on. However, since every single one of these remixes is excellent and entirely unique I just had no choice but to put them all up. I’m sure you understand. I got these off of 2 LP 12” promo . For some reason I own two Luscious Jackson 2 LP 12” promos (and two other 12” singles of their’s) but I don’t own any of their proper albums. My insatiable need for vinyl is creating some very odd paradoxes in my record collection that I must resolve.

I vow to clear out all my fucking remixes, because they’re half the backlog I got right now. Expect more from some Lost Turntable favorites (New Order, Depeche Mode, etc.,) in a few days.

The Smashing Pumpkins
Perfect (Perfecto Mix)
Perfect (Electro Breakbeat Mix)
I was a die-hard Pumpkins fan back in the day (the day being the mid-to-late 90s). I saw them live in Toledo in 1996 and they fucking blew my mind away. It seemed like they played forever and didn’t leave until everyone in the arena got off on their amazing performance. I still remember Billy’s insane solo during ‘Tales Of A Scorched Earth’. I declared them to be my favorite band of all-time and thought the good times would never end.

Of course they did, but before they called it quits I got to see their second-to-last show on November 29th, 2000 at the United Center in Chicago. They played for nearly three hours and by the end of the night some people were nearly in tears. Then they played on more show at The Metro (the recording of which still has not seen the light of day) and then they broke up. They went out with a bang, it was awesome.

Of course, now Billy says The Pumpkins have gotten back together. Of course, by “getting back together” I mean “bring back The Smashing Pumpkins name because his solo album bombed”. The new line-up is him and Jimmy with two other people who have nothing to do with the original band. That last concert I saw them at was a magical experience, and now it’s cheapened by this “reunion.” I remember Billy saying in interviews how The Pumpkins were over for good and that we shouldn’t ever expect a reunion tour – what happened Billy? I guess the bald little whore misses the spotlight.

Remember the better times with these remixes off of Adore (unless you hated that album like everyone else seemed to, then nevermind – If I had B-sides to Mellon Collie I’d post them but I don’t).

Keane
We Might As Well Be Strangers (DJ Shadow vs. Keane Remix)
The whole “vs” thing confuses the heck out of me. Did DJ Shadow meet Keane in a studio and fucking duel it out? Wouldn’t Keane win just by manpower? Unless Shadow uses vinyl like Shaun in Shaun Of The Dead or something….the mind boggles.

Basement Jaxx
Red Alert (Jaxx Club Mix)
Red Alert (Steve Gurley Mix)
My third favorite Basement Jaxx single (behind ‘Where’s Your Head At’ and ‘Romeo’). These were taken off of a 12” single.

Sting
Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing) (Dave Aude’ Extended Vocal)
Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing) (Richard Vission Big Floor Funk Mix)
Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing) (Richard Vission Acidic Groove)
These remixes of a mediocre Sting song have are way better then they have any fucking right to be. If you only download one check out the ‘Acidic Groove’ one, because it really lives up to the the ‘groove’ in the title.

Up today I got some B-sides by a bunch of Brits. The first few are by a guy with amazing hair, the middle tracks are from a supposedly overrated band I never heard of, and the last set are from a guy with amazingly awful hair.

Morrissey
Such A Little Thing Makes A Big Difference (Live)
Sweet And Tender Hooligan (Live)
Journalists Who Lie
Tony The Pony
I wish I would have had these tracks back when I was posting my big rant about the douchebags at the Morrissey concert, that sure would have been convenient. Anyways, these tracks are off of two 12” singles. The live songs are B-sides to ‘Interesting Drug’ and the other songs are the B-sides to ‘Our Frank.’ I think all of these are in that huge singles box set that Morrissey put out a few years back.

The Wonder Stuff
Unbearable (Live)
No For The 13th Time (Live)
Ten Trenches Deep (Live)
I had never heard of this band before last week, which is when I bought the 12” single I grabbed these tracks off of on a whim. I’m told by people on the internets that they have a very devoted and vocal following, but I guess I never ran into any of them. Anyways, these live tracks are on the B-side to ‘It’s Yer Money I’m After Baby’ (great name for a song).

Howard Jones
Like To Get To Know You Well (International Mix)
New Song (New Version)
Pearl In The Shell (Extended Mix)
What Is Love (Extended Mix)
Always Asking Questions
Total Conditioning
A few things random thoughts on Howard Jones. Firstly, no matter how many times I hear or say his name I want to call him “Howard Johnson”. (For my non-American readers Howard Johnson is a line of hotels here in the states.) If you ask someone if they “like that one Howard Johnson song” they give you a really weird look.

Secondly, I find it hysterical that he shares a name with the lead singer of Metalcore/crap outfit Killswitch Engage – there’s a joke there somewhere but it’s after 2AM and that part of my brain has shut down.

Thirdly, I cannot stand his two biggest hit singles. I really really really hate ‘No One Is To Blame’. It’s like the synthpop version of Bruce Hornsby’s ‘The Way It Is’. Please don’t ask for an extended mix of that because I will never own one. If I can ever find an extended mix of ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ I’ll pick it up, only because I really like the “Woah oh oh oh” part a lot and I’m assuming that would be exploited in a remix.

These remixes and rarities are from The 12” Album, an EP he released in 1984. Most of them are probably on CD somewhere if you really want to hunt them down. A quick sidenote: The only thing more ridiculous than calling a song ‘New Song’ is calling a remix of it ‘New Version.’ There some sort of brilliance in that laziness.

Sorry about the long time between updates, I was trapped in Toledo for the weekend and didn’t have access to a computer that wasn’t butt. Bigger update coming tonight or tomorrow.

Placebo
Every You Every Me (Brothers In Rhythm Glam Club Mix)
Every You Every Me (Sneaker Pimps Version)
Every You Every Me (Infected By The Scourge Of The Earth)
The dude from Placebo sounds like he is literally singing out of his nose. Yet he somehow pulls it off. That’s some skill. These remixes are off of a promo 12”.

Duran Duran
Too Much Information (12” Trance Mix)
Too Much Information (Deptford Dub)
Too Much Information (Club 2 Mix)
These remixes aren’t on that massive Singles Box Set they released a few years back which is kind of surprising. Only slightly more surprising is the fact that I know that because I own the previously-mentioned box set…shut up it was on clearance! These are also off of a promo single I picked up a few weeks back.

So last month I get a really strange typo-ridden email from someone at a PR firm. It seems that they read my blog and thought that I would like to review a copy of the WKRP In Cincinnati Season 1 DVD. How did they come to this determination? I think it was because I mentioned WKRP’s Howard Hesseman in a blog post a few months earlier. I guess they went through every single Blogger site that mentioned him and sent emails out. Nevermind that this is an MP3 blog and I rarely review anything but whatever.

Anyways, I had already heard that WKRP was coming to DVD, and I already decided that I wasn’t going to buy it because the selfish cockmongers at Fox decided that they didn’t want to shell out the money needed to get the rights to the original music in the show. Instead of hearing classics like ‘Hot Blooded’ and Pink Floyd’s ‘Dogs’ there would be generic stock music instead. Adding insult to injury was that several episodes would have cut scenes or pathetically redubbed dialog to remove music that couldn’t be easily replaced. But I never miss the opportunity for free stuff so I gladly replied and said I’d like a copy. Besides, I wanted to see how bad the edits were for myself.

Now, I never got to see WKRP the first time around, since it premiered a year before I was born. But even I noticed the awful edits and audio redubs. They completely ruin the feel and flow of the show. Jokes are removed, there are sudden cuts and the whole thing just feels funky (and not in the good George Clinton kind of way). I was so distracting and annoying that I couldn’t get all the way through the first disc. Fuck this weak shit.

If you’re a fan of the show do yourself a favor and avoid this shitstorm of a DVD like the plague. The worthless pricks at Fox didn’t even try to make this shit watchable for the show’s hardcore fanbase (which is large and vocal) and they don’t even cop up to the fact that the episodes are edited. There’s a disclaimer saying that some of the music had been replaced, but nothing is mentioned about the missing footage. How can they get away with calling this “The Complete First Season”? Complete pile of bullshit is more like it.

If this third-term abortion of a DVD release somehow sells enough to warrant a 2nd season release it ought to be very interesting. The second season of WKRP had a very powerful episode about The Who concert tragedy that featured music by The Who. Removing that music would be a disgrace and would destroy a powerful episode. Of course, that’s probably not going to happen because no one is going to buy this enema-bag of a box set.

If you really love WKRP and want to see the show as it should be, uncut and unedited then look online. You can get bootlegs of the entire series for the same price as this Season One set. And while the quality may not be picture perfect, at least you’ll be seeing the real shit. You know that’s the set that Johnny Rocket would buy.

On a slightly related note I doubt that I’ll be getting any more emails from Fox PR reps asking me if I want to review their product.

Richard Wright – Wet Dreams
In memory of WKRP I wanted to put up some ’70s rock tonight. I’m a pretty big fan of The Pink Floyd and was happy when I scored this debut record from their keyboardist. Originally released in 1978 (the same year WKRP first aired) it garnered no hit singles and quickly sank into obscurity, like most of the other solo albums by the members of Pink Floyd, but it’s actually pretty good and sounds more like Pink Floyd than Pink Floyd did at the time. With all the recent hubbub surrounding the band I’m surprised it hasn’t been re-released. I don’t put up full albums that much, but this sucker is OOP and I’ve seen it online for over a hundred bucks. That’s fucked up.

An estrogen-filled post tonight peppered with testosterone-filled sexist comments by yours truly. I am a pig and I apologize in advance.

Eurythmics
I Need A Man (Macho Mix)
Beethoven (I Love To Listen To) (Dance Mix)
These are off the 12” single for ‘I Need A Man.’ I’m sure I head these songs when they first came out (my mom was a pretty big Eurythmics fan) but I just recently rediscovered them when I picked up the single this week. These are two completely spectacular dance tunes that rank right up their ‘Would I Lie To you’ and ‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These)’ in the pantheon of Eurythmics songs. I especially dig ‘I Need A Man.’ It isn’t a song about love, romance or even desire – this tune is about straight-up fucking. Annie Lennox’s scream of “I need a maaaaaaaaaaaan!” is a pure libido-driven exclamation of pure unrestrained lust. It’s like all the emotion she bottled up when recording her monotone vocals for ‘Sweet Dreams’ suddenly rushed out of some deep recess of her mind, erupting in a joyous explosion of panty-wetting orgasmic delight. That’s some hot shit. If the song doesn’t do it for you then check out the video. Holy shit where did that cleavage come from!

Kylie Minogue
Come Into My World (Robbie Rivera’s Hard & Sexy Mix)
Come Into My World (Fischerspooner Mix)
Come Into My World (Ash Mix)
In my perfect pop fantasy world Kylie Minogue is singing ‘I Need A Man’…to me. Shut up, it’s my fantasy. Until that dream comes true I guess I have to survive with these remixes of her big hit which were taken off of a 12” single.

Pink
Trouble (Hyper Remix)
Trouble (Adam Freeland Mix)
I love Pink, but I refuse to spell her name “P!ink” because that’s a case of unneeded punctuation. I don’t think is Pink as sexy as Kylie Minogue or Annie Lennox were in their prime, but I bet she’d be a much better person to talk to about music and shit. Isn’t she dating/married to some motorcross dude? I’m probably not her type anyway (like I’m totally Kylie or Annie’s type – I’m totally sure that pop divas get off on four-eyed music geeks). These are off of 12” promo.

Debbie Harry
Sweet And Low (Sweet House Mix)
Sweet And Low (Swing Low Mix)
Sweet And Low (Sweet Chariot Mix)
I’ve been consistently disappointed by every Debbie Harry 12” I’ve bought, but there are a few die-hard Debbie fans that visit this blog and I hate to disappoint. These are off the 12” for ‘Sweet And Low’.

I’ve had a shitty week and I’m feeling exceptionally vitriolic tonight so watch out.

The Police
Don’t Stand So Close To Me ’86 (Dance Remix)
Don’t Stand So Close To Me (Live)
Tea In The Sahara (Live)
Someone To Talk To
Message In The Bottle (Live)
The Police are back together and on tour, and they suck (says Stewart Copeland). Thanks for saving me $125 bucks Stu! How the fuck can they get off on charging that much for tickets? It’s not like The Police are struggling for money. I think it should be a law that once your band sells 30 million records worldwide tickets can’t cost more than $25. Fucking whores.

Regardless I still like their music though and I thought I’d share some B-sides I picked up last month. The dance remix of their remake of ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’ and the live version of the same song are off of the song’s 12” single. The live take of ‘Tea In The Sahara’ is the B-side to ‘King Of Pain’, and the final two tracks are on the on the ‘Message In The Bottle’ 12” single.

U2
Boomerang I
Boomerang II
Touch
11 O’Clock Tick Tock (Pride Single Version)
Dancing Barefoot
When Love Comes To Town (With B.B. King – Live From The Kingdom Mix)
Yeah sure Bono is a saint and he’s trying to save the world everyone loves him yada yada yada. He’s also in a band that charges well over one hundred bucks for tickets to one of their shows. How can you preach the end of world poverty in one breathe and then ask your devoted fans to shell out an arm and a leg to see them live? What a hypocritical former mullet-headed prick.

They also dicked over their fans by making their B-sides collections only available for one week, and tacked on to their Greatest Hits compilations’ which are filled with songs that every U2 fan already owns. Last year they worked with Green Day to record an awesome version of The Skids’ classic ‘The Saints Are Coming’ but then shoved it onto another greatest hits compilation and didn’t even let fans download it separately on iTunes! That should have been a charity single. Speaking of iTunes, don’t even get me going on the fact that if you want all their rarities and unreleased tracks you can’t download them individually but instead you have to shell out $150 for the ‘digital box set’.

These vinyl rips off of two of their singles sound better than the DRM-fucked iTunes tracks that you can’t buy individually. Enjoy.

R.E.M.
Radio Song (Tower Of Luv Bug Mix)
Love Is All Around (Live)
Belong (Live)
Man, don’t get me started on R.E.M.! Michael Stipe is such a….I mean Peter Buck is a complete…Shit, I got nothing to say about R.E.M. I like them, except for the whole ‘Shiny Happy People’ thing. This sweet mix and live cuts are off of the ‘Radio Song’ 12”.

All electronic music today. Artists on this post start out “high-brow” and get progressively stupider. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking stupid music, but I don’t think anyone is every going to call Tricky “silly dance music.” Inversely speaking, no one is every going to claim that Apollo 440’s ‘Stop The Rock’ was a deep and meaningful song.

Tricky
Aftermath (Hip Hop Blues)
Aftermath (I Could Be Looking For People Remix)
Aftermath (Version 1)
On my senior skip day I went to go see The Fifth Element (yeah, I was one of the cool kids). I remember watching it and being generally impressed with it overall. Then out of the middle of nowhere Tricky shows up and starts acting all bad-ass. 10 minutes later Gary Oldman blows him up. Man, that was a fucked up movie. These are remixes from Tricky’s first single, taken from a 12”.

Meat Beat Manifesto
Psyche-Out (Version 1)
Psyche-Out (Version 2)
Psyche-Out (Dub)
Psyche-Out (Sex Skank Stripdown)
Psyche-Out (Sex Skank Mix)
Best bad band name ever. I’ve always thought these guys should have gone on tour with The Circle Jerks.

Prodigy
More Girls
Under My Wheels (Original Mix)
Remember when these guys had the number one album in America? Man, 1997 was fucking weird. Anyways, these two tracks are off of the ‘Girls’ 12” single. ‘Girls’ originally appeared on Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned and album that I liked and no one else in the world did.

Apollo 440
Stop The Rock (@44 Extended Mix)
Stop The Rock (Mint Royale Mix)
Stop The Rock (Gigolo ‘Stop The Jocks’ Remix)
Stop The Rock (T-Total Remix)
Something I read once called Apollo 440 “electronic music for frat boys”. While I wouldn’t call Apollo 440 proponents of Intelligent Dance Music I think that criticism may be just a bit harsh. I dug some of their tunes aside from this one, which was their big hit single. Their remix of the theme to Lost In Space was definitely the best thing to come out of that ungodly shitstorm of a movie. Anyways, these mixes are off of a 12” single.

I previously said I wasn’t going to do theme posts. Well, I lied. This post isn’t a themed one but the next couple…few…dozen will be simply because it’ll give me an excuse to clear out some crap that probably couldn’t stand on it’s own. Expect a lot of mid-90s techno this week. This post is kind of a warm-up for that.

Lords Of Acid
I Sit On Acid 2000 (Soulwax Remix)
Scrood Bi U (Hush Scroo All Ya’ll Mix)
These are the last two Lords Of Acid tracks I’ll be posting for a while, meaning that my mom will no longer have to worry about accidentally downloading something she’s not old enough to hear.

Erasure
I Love Saturday (Beatmasters Dub Mix)
I Love Saturday (Beatmasters Club Mix)
I need to unload my Erasure, it’s gathering on my hard drive like some…big…gay…thing (I’m tired and out of similes. Expect an all-Erasure post in the near future.

INXS
Disappear (Extended 12” Mix)
Middle Beast
What You Need (Coldcut Force Mix)
My favorite INXS song hands down in ‘Disappear.’ In case anyone is wondering my second-favorite INXS song is ‘Need You Tonight/Mediate’ and my third is ‘Elegantly Wasted’ which is off of their criminally underlooked album of the same name. ‘Middle Beast’ is an instrumental track that happens to have a hilariously appropriate title considering the state of the world right now. The mix to ‘What You Need’ is the weakest of the three, with too many ‘ooh yeahs’ getting thrown in for no good reason. All of these are off of the 12” single for ‘Disappear.’

Lunatic Calm
Leave You Far Behind (Rollercoaster Mix)
Metropol (Lunatics Soundscape Mix)
Today marked the first time that I properly spelled Lunatic Calm on my first try. I always want to type their name out as ‘Lunatic Clam.’ And while I bet that is the name of some awesome porno movie about a bipolar hooker (or the worst nautical horror movie ever), it’s not the name of the band. I know nothing about these guys other than the fact that ‘Far Behind’ was on The Matrix Soundtrack. This remix of it is almost like a dub mix and I don’t think the “I want to leave you far behind” hook is ever mentioned. Both these remixes are off of some white-label promo that I bought for a buck at Half Price Books.

Argh. I totally finished this post like night but got distracted by a shiny object or something because I never hit that little ‘Publish Post’ button. Expect another post in a couple of hours, which will be the one I was planning on doing tonight anyways.

Beck
Richard’s Hairpiece (Devil’s Haircut Remix by Aphex Twim)
Electric Music And The Summer People
I spend so much time digging through crates of records that I forget that I also have a substantial amount of CD singles. These two Beck rarities serve as an example of that. Both of these are from a maxi-single of ‘Devil’s Haircut.’ Aphex Twin’s remix is surprisingly normal for one of his, you can actually recognize the original song. I have some more rare Beck that I’ll get around to posting sometime.

Erasure
I Love Saturday (JX Remix)
I Love Saturday (Flower Mix)
The new Erasure album is good, go buy it. These two remixes are off of a white label promo 12” single. Two more from this one next post.

Lords Of Acid
Pussy (Disco D’s Ultra Buff Luv Muff Mix)
Pussy (DJ Assault’s Hit It Hard Hit It Quick Mix)
Pussy (I Love Pussy Mix)
One of the stupidest songs ever written, oh I love it so. I have some sick fantasy of taking a girl home, getting her in the mood for loving and then right when we start to get it on have this track blare out of my stereo. I wonder if anyone’s actually ever fucked to ‘Pussy’? It’s probably a better song to strip to, I hope and pray that there is a strip club somewhere in the world that just has this song on constant repeat. This was one of those songs I was exposed to during the halcyon days of Napster and college dorm file sharing. T’was a glorious time, filled with mislabeled ID tags (what do you mean ‘Cats In The Cradle’ isn’t by Bob Dylan?) and hard drives filled with random tracks like this and the techno remix of the theme to Das Boot. Anyways, these remixes of this opus to…um…kitty cats, is off of a 12” single. I’ll post the B-sides next time.