Holy crapoly, two posts in two days! I’m suddenly prolific again! A side-effect of said increased productivity is that I have nothing to say right now, so I’ll just get straight to the tunage.

Primal Scream
If They Move Kill ‘Em (My Bloody Valentine Arkestra Mix)
If They Move Kill ‘Em (12” Disco Mix)
Darklands
Badlands
It’s hard to pick a genre when cataloging Primal Scream. I don’t think Alternative indie acid house techno brit-pop rock is a category. I just went with electronic for these tunes, which are off of the 12” for ‘If They Move…”. I picked up this single for two reasons; its awesome cover and the fact that it takes it name from a line in The Wild Bunch. I was bummed that the said line is only mentioned once though. Bummer. Badlands and Darklands are B-sides. Both are remixes of the same song and are some trippy-ass tunes.

The The
The Beat(en) Generation (Campfire Mix)
The Beat(en) Generation (Palmer Mix)
Angel
I’m sick of trying to find out information of The The songs on Google, especially when they have exceptionally generic titles like ‘Angel.’ I believe that track has never seen the light of day on CD, but I could be wrong and I’m not going to scour the net to find out. It, as well as the two remixes with it, come from the 12” for ‘The Beat(en) Generation.”

Living Colour
Funny Vibe (Remix)
Funny Vibe (Funky Vibe Mix)
Funny Vibe (Drummer Vibe)
So I bought Guitar Hero III for the 360 this Monday, and Living Colour’s great ‘Cult Of Personality’ is on it. But before I get to that I must share a funny story about me getting the game.

So it’s 8:30 at night and I’m rushing to get to the local Gamestop before they close. I didn’t reserve the game because I have better things to do with my life then keep a calender of upcoming releases in my bedroom. I get in Gamestop and ask for the game when the snotty little clerk looks up at me and says “Did you reserve it?”

I said no.

“Well, then we don’t have one for you!” she said in a bitchy tone. “That’s why you should reserve one.”

So I roll my eyes and say, “No, that’s why I go to the Exchange across the street and buy one there.”

She gives me a “whatever” look as I walk out, like I don’t have a chance in hell in getting the game there. But I walk into the exchange and grab one in about five seconds, they had about a dozen behind the counter. Walking back to my car the same snotty clerk is cleaning bird-shit off the window (man, retail is such an awesome job) and I give her the same look she gave at me back at her and smirk, “I don’t think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.”

Yeah, I know it’s not her policy, but she seems to be a proud enforcer of it and she also seemed to get off on disappointing my non-reserving ass. so whatever.

Anyways, Living Colour’s ‘Cult Of Personality’ is in the game, but it’s not the same version that was on their album Vivid, they re-recorded it with a brand-new solo that is ball-bustingly evil. I think it gave me a case of carpal tunnel. I finally beat it only to have my ass handed to me with Metallica’s ‘One’. I have to beat this game soon or my hand is gonna fall off.

Enough anti-retail/video game digressions though, these remixes of ‘Funny Vibe’ are from the song’s 12” single and they’re pretty bad-ass. It’s almost more rap than rock, and features some Public Enemy samples for good measure.

So last week I said that my next post would be either fluffy 80s pop or hardcore industrial depending on my mood.

Well, I just put $600 in my car, got a bad grade on an assignment and was blacklisted from something for reasons I can’t get into. So that means no Spandau Ballet today. Well, not everything tonight is industrial, but it’s all shit I can listen to when I want to punch a hole in the wall (which I really shouldn’t do now that I’m a homeowner).

Revolting Cocks
No Devotion
Attack Ships…
…On Fire
I think 80 billion people have worked with Ministry’s Al Jourgensen and his side-project Revolting Cocks. The list includes Jello Biafra, Robin Zander (yes, the guy from Cheap Trick), Rick Nielson (yes, the other guy from Cheap Trick), Billy Gibbons (from ZZ Top), Chris Connelly, Luc Van Acker and countless others. These 12” remixes are from the single for ‘No Devotion’ which was the very first release under the Revolting Cocks name. They’re also available on the CD re-issue of their first album Big Sexy Land.

Pig
My Favourite Car
Never For Fun
Hildelinde
You gotta appreciate a name as simple as Pig. In actuality he’s Raymond Watts, an early member of the industrial outfit KMFDM. So, you can assume he’s a happy fellow with an upbeat look on life. Just kidding, he probably wants to fuck the world. These are really early industrial tunes (circa 88) so they aren’t as aggressive and menacing as other examples from the genre. I still dig them though. These tracks are all on Pig’s debut record, which is out of print in the states. By the way, ‘Hildenlinde’ is a traditional German folk song or something.

Cyberaktif
Temper (Ext. Mix)
Meltdown (Parody)
Dream Needle
I must say that Cyberaktif is the most retarded alternative spelling of a word for a band name this side of Puddle of Mudd. Still, they rocked out some great industrial stuff during their short existence (they only released one LP and a few singles). Cyberaktif consisted of members for Front Line Assembly and Skinny Puppy, two of the earliest contributors to the industrial genre. These tracks are from the ‘Temper’ 12” single.

Skinny Puppy
Chainsaw
Assimilate (R 23 Mix)
Cage
Stairs And Flowers (Def Wish Mix)
Stairs And Flowers (Too Far Gone Mix)
Speaking of Skinny Puppy, here are some remixes from the uber-influential industrial pioneers. I’ve never been hugely into Skinny Puppy before, but now that getting more and more into industrial music I’m getting more curious about them. Anyone have any recommendations?

Alec Empire & El-P
Shards Of Pol Pottery (Hard Mix)
Shards Of Pol Pottery (No Wave Mix)
I love me some Digital Hardcore insanity. As you may or may not know (depending on your level of awesomeness) Alecc Empire was the creative force behind Atari Teenage Riot and nearly singlehandedly created the digital hardcore genre. I like to describe digital hardcore as a combination of punk, electronic music and punching a dude in the face. The craziest stuff by ATR and Alec Empire is ideal for people who think Slayer is easy-listening. Especially adventurous souls should check out their Live At Brixton Academy album, which is nothing more than 26 minutes of ear-bleeding noise. After one listen of that record you’ll think Metal Machine Music is for fucking pussies. Anyways, these two remixes of this collaboration with El-P are not nearly as caustic and abrasive as anything off of Alec’s other CDs, but are still pretty intense.

Argh. The weeks get ahead of me and the next thing I know it’s been eight days since I last updated my blog. Very annoying since I enjoy writing my ramblings at this site more than anything else I’m being forced to write right now thanks to school. To make up for my lack of updates I’m putting up some pop-favorites tonight. My next post will either continue that trend or consist of nothing but hardcore industrial techno. I haven’t decided yet. Probably depends on how pissed I am at the time.

Baltimora
Tarzan Boy (Extended Dance Mix)
I always assumed that Baltimora was the name of the dude singing. I had no idea that Baltimora was actually a band (or “music project”) created by some Italian producers. Gotta love that manufactured pop music. This is a retarded extended mix of the retarded hit that will get stuck in your head for weeks on end. You have been warned.

Cameo
Word Up! (12” Remix)
Little known fact; Cameo was not fronted by Larry Blackmon, but was in fact led by his codpiece. The codpiece also wrote, produced and performed all of the songs as well. Much like Nine Inch Nails, the band behind him is only used for live performances.

Animotion
Obsession (Remix)
Engineer (Remix)
“Who do you want me to be/To make you sleep with me?” Is this what pickup lines were like in the 80s pre-AIDS awareness? Subtlety was for suckers I guess. I remember rocking out to this song when I was seven years old, which I’m sure my mom loved. ‘Engineer’ is not nearly as catchy as that ode to semi-casual fucking, but it’s not bad. Both of these remixes are extended versions off of a promo 12”.

Men At Work

Does anyone have an extended remix of Men At Work’s ‘Overkill’? Either the acoustic or original version would suffice. I’ve always loved this song by them but I’m in love with ‘Overkill’ so any help would be appreciated.

Peter Gabriel
Don’t Break This Rhythm
Biko (12” Extended Version)
I Have The Touch (’85 Remix)
I got a build of Peter Gabriel that I plan on unleashing throughout the next week or so, starting with this stuff from a 12” single of ‘Sledgehammer’ (the best song about hard fucking ever). ‘Don’t Break This Rhythm’ is a B-side that has never appeared on an album proper, which is pretty amazing considering that it’s a great song and would fit great on any Gabriel album. ‘Biko’ is an odd song to turn into a 12” dance mix, considering its incredibly serious message and theme, but it surprisingly works and makes the song an even more powerful anthem then it was previously. I read somewhere that this tribute to the slain civil rights leader was the inspiration for Steven Van Zandt to write ‘Sun City’ one in a long line of awful-but-well-meaning collaborative efforts from the 80s. Finally there’s ‘I Have The Touch (’85 Remix)’ which is different from the ’82 version and different from the version that’s in that awful fucking John Travolta movie Phenomenon.

Okay, it’s been two weeks since my last post. I should come clean and tell you all why. The truth is that I’ve spent the past 14 days in a detox rehab facility undergoing….just bullshitting you, the horribly uninteresting truth is that I’ve just been busy as all hell with school and settling in to my new house. The fact that Halo 3 came out had absolutely nothing to do with the lack of updates at all…nope, not one bit.

Incidentally, if anyone out there wants to play co-op campaign on Halo 3 with me send me a message or email and we’ll hook up sometime. I suck hardcore and I need help on Heroic difficulty. My suck knows no bounds.

Anyways, I hope to update a lot this week to make up for lost time. I shall make no promises though since every time I do I break them. I will make up for the lapse in posts by making this one honkin’ huge though. I think this might be my biggest non-Urgh! post ever.

U2
Holy crapoly this is a lot of U2. I’m going to separate these by single, it’ll be easier that way.

Unchained Melody
Everlasting Love
These two covers are from the 12” single for ‘All I Want Is You’, which is from Rattle & Hum. Both are actually quite good and actually make both the chronically overplayed songs listenable and fun. Both of these also appear on the B-sides disc to the band’s first greatest hits collection.

The Three Sunrises
A Sort Of Homecoming
Love Comes Tumbling
Bass Trap
All four of these tracks are on the single for ‘The Unforgettable Fire’. This version of ‘A Sort Of Homecoming’ is different than the mix that appears on the EP Wide Awake In America and on the greatest hits B-side disc. This version of ‘Bass Trap’ is significantly different than the one that appeared on the B-side disc as well, being much longer. The version of ‘Love Comes Tumbling’ is the same one from the B-side disc though, and not the version from Wide Awake In America.

On a side-note, ‘Bass Trap’ minus one-letter is has to be the title to a porno.

Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses (Temple Bar Remix)
Paint It Black
Fortunate Son
These are from the 12” for ‘Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses.’ None of these are available anywhere else (except for that ridiculous “virtual box set” on iTunes). Unlike the covers on the ‘All I Want Is You’ single these aren’t that great. Although their take on ‘Paint It Black ‘isn’t the worst I’ve ever heard. It’s definitely better than Gob’s awful version. My money for the best cover of the Stones’ classic still goes to Echo And The Bunnymen though.

Even Better Than The Real Thing (The Perfecto Mix)
Even Better Than The Real Thing (Appollo 440 Stealth Sonic Remix)
Even Better Than The Real Thing (V16 Exit Wound Remix)
Mysterious Ways (Solar Plexus Extended Club Mix)
Mysterious Ways (Apollo 440 Magic Hour Remix)
Mysterious Ways (Tabla Motown Remix)
Finally, these assorted remixes are off of their respected 12” singles. The Perfecto and V16 remixes are by Paul Oakenfold in case you are wondering.

Devo
Peek-A-Boo (Dance Velocity)
The dominance of U2 over Devo in this post has nothing to do with my personal preference of either band, there just happened to be an assload of U2 singles at the record store last week. I like this Devo song more than any of the U2 tunes to be honest.

ZZ Top
Legs (Special Dance Mix)
I previously posted a “Special Dance Mix” of ‘Legs’ before. This is not the same one, it is in fact twice as long as previously said mix. This mix should’ve been named “The Long Legs Mix”. I wonder if I could get a job naming remixes for artists? I think I have enough experience! Hey, if the dudes that name Erasure remixes are reading this, hook me up.

Moving totally sucks and blows at the same time. Right now all my records are in boxes in the corner of my room, taunting me with their need to be organized and shelved. That can’t happen until I go to Ikea and buy shelves by the gross though. Until then here are some tunes that were already on my computer.

Sigue Sigue Sputnik
Sex Bomb Boogie (Magic Flute) (12” single version)
Sex Bomb Dance
Last week I put up Yello’s ‘Oh Yeah’ which was famously featured during the end credits of the seminal 80s pic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Sigue Sigue Sputnik also graced that movie with their lone US hit ‘Love Missle F-11.’ I knew nothing of the band until I picked up this single a few months ago, and had no idea that they were formed by a dude from Generation X (the Billy Idol band). After listening to a few of their tunes I’d have to say that their shit has aged amazingly well, far better than much more popular synth-driven stuff from the same time period. Much like Public Image Ltd., Devo, Big Audio Dynamite and other electronic-influenced post-punk bands I think their influence and lasting appeal is highly underrated.

Anyways, ‘Sex Bomb Boogie’ is totally awesome. I love it because it’s about five steps away from complete chaos but still manages to make you want to dance. The first version is off of the 12” single and is a little longer than the one that appeared on their album. The ‘Sex Bomb Dance’ is some insane dub/stereo mindfuck remix of the remix that fades in and out and back and forth between the left and right speaker. Listening to it with headphones on will make your head implode like those kids in Halloween III.

Freddie Mercury
Love Kills (Extended Version)
The best thing to come out of the horrid 80s remixing of the 1920 classic silent film Metropolis was this track by Freddie Mercury. Like a lot of his solo stuff, it surprisingly sounds nothing like Queen. This extended version is off of the Japanese 12” single.

Giorgio Moroder
Rotwang’s Party (Robot Dance)
The B-side to ‘Love Kills’. This is one of the songs that made up the score to the 880s version of Metropolis, but for some reason it was not included on the soundtrack. I don’t know if this was ever released on CD actually. Pretty good instrumental synth track.

Kraftwerk
Tour De France (French Version)
Tour De France (Remix)
These are remixes of the original Tour De France song, which was released as a single in 1983. Kraftwerk also released an album called Tour De France Soundtracks. These aren’t from that. I hope everyone is sufficiently confused now.

Syntech
Byt&e
Reaction
Syntech is the work of Edwin van der Laag, who was in some group called Laserdance in the 80s. According to this site, they were an influential eurodisco group. I have no idea about that. But if you like corny, spacey techno to listen to while playing Halo 3 or reading the latest Orson Scott Card book then you should especially enjoy it.

Someone commenting on my last post labeled my as a misogynist, which is something I don’t take lightly so I feel that I must defend myself.

Misogyny is typically defined as a hatred towards women because they are women. I don’t hate women. Sure, sometimes they confuse the hell out of me, but I definitely don’t hate them. I also don’t believe that calling for corophagia-related death of Fergie is a misogynist statement at all. Sure, it may be in poor taste and more than a little gross but being in good taste is no fun and has never been my style.

The things I said about Fergie were neither sexist nor were they misogynist. An example of that would be “Fergie is a woman, so of course she blew her way to the top.” I do not consider calling a woman a bitch to be misogynist either. Now, calling all women bitch certainly is, but that’s not what I did. I called that no-talent pile of shit a bitch.

Anyways, it should be painfully clear to anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis that I am a misanthrope, not a misogynist! My hatred is gender-neutral.

This’ll be my only post this week so I’m making it count in quantity and quality. See you next week.

Janet Jackson
Black Cat (Funky 12” Mix)
Black Cat (“3 Snaps Up” 12” Mix)
It’s funny. As I was putting together my last post I was thinking “I wish I had a copy of ‘Black Cat’ I could put up here. The next day I went to the Jerry’s record store and there it was! This has happened before. Maybe I have some sort of psychic link with Jerry’s. I’m going to start wishing for a 12” single of ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ and see what happens.

Madonna
Dress You Up (The 12” Formal Mix)
This single was behind the ‘Black Cat’ single that magically appeared. If I would’ve thought of it I would’ve wished for it too. In addition to being able to grant my wishes the store knows what I want before I do!

Sting
We’ll Be Together (Extended Mix)
We’ll Be Together (Previous Version)
Conversation With A Dog
I read somewhere that Sting was forced to put this song on Nothing Like The Sun because the rest of the album is so fucking depressing. That makes more sense then Sting deciding that it would be the perfect song to follow ‘Fragile’. That song is a downer and a half and this one is like a love song on uppers. These two remixes are from the 12” single, as is ‘Conversation With A Dog’, a really odd B-side that I don’t think has been released on anything else since.

Yello
Oh Yeah (Dance Mix)
Oh Yeah (Indian Summer Music)
Yello’s ‘Oh Yeah’ perfectly encapsulates everything about the 80s; shallow, meaningless fun backed by a funky synthesizer beat. It was also in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the one movie that perfectly encapsulates everything about the 80s. Just listening to this song and thinking about the movie makes me want to rock out some day-glo mesh tops and chug some Orange Julius at the mall. This dance mix is really just an extended mix, but the Indian Summer Mix is really out there. It has a bizarre combination of ambient tones and random sound effects that almost make the song into an ambient house anthem. Which is really weird when you consider than ambient house music was at least four years away in 1985.

Judas Priest
Turbo Lover (Hi-Octane Mix)
I’m not a homophobe, but the only thing more unappealing to me than the mental image of Rob Halford calling some girl his ‘Turbo Lover’ is the much more accurate image of him using the term to describe a man. This remix of the most dance-happy metal tune ever is off of the 12” single for the song.

Phil Collins
Take Me Home (Extended Mix)
I love that Phil Collins somehow managed to get hip-hop cred. In addition to this song being sampled by Bone Thugs N Harmony,’In The Air Tonight’ was covered and/or sampled by Lil’ Kim, DMX, and Tupac. Paul Wall jumped on the Collins band-wagon when he sampled ‘I Don’t Care Anymore’ a few years back. There’s even a hip-hop tribute to Phil Collins called Urban Renewal! I just found out about this about 20 seconds ago. It has a cover of ‘Sussudio’ by Ol’ Dirty Bastard! If anyone has that please let me know and I’ll be eternally grateful. This version of ‘Take Me Home’ is off of the 12” single.

Haven’t posted in a week or so, but I think this one makes up for the downtime…

Sir Mix-A-Lot
Baby Got Back (Tekno-Metal Club Mix)
Baby Got Back (Hard B.W.B. Hip Hop Mix)
Baby Got Back (Hurricane Mix)
Baby Got Back (Instrumental)
Cake Boy
You Can’t Slip

That’s right motherfuckers, four different versions of ‘Baby Got Back’! This is totally the best blog post in the history of MP3 blog posts.

Almost transforming the classic into an entirely different tune is the next remix, which is strangely dubbed the Tekno-Metal Club Mix). “I Like Big Butts” doesn’t drop until about two minutes into the mix, and the vocals are almost drowned out by an insane bassline that would sound at home on a Prodigy record. In fact, I think there are some samples used in this mix that were used later on for a Prodigy song (the moan in the background sounds very familiar, but I can’t place it).

The Hard B.W.B. Hip Hop Mix is even weirder than the Tekno-Metal mix. Mix-A-Lot’s vocals are put through a distortion effect to make it sound like he’s rapping out of a megaphone, and the same insane beat from the previous mix remains dominant. Added to the mix are even more crazy-ass sound effects and beats that nearly turn the tune into a drum-and-bass tune.

Finally there is the Hurricane Mix, which brings things back to normal with some heavy scratching effects. Out of the three mixes it’s the one that is most like the original and it’s a high-energy take on an already high-energy song and belongs on everyone’s workout mixtape. The instrumental cut sound be a gift from heaven to any bootleg mixers out there.

The last two tracks are B-sides that never appeared on any proper Mix-A-Lot album as far as I can tell, although a lot of people I talked to knew of ‘Cake Boy’ so maybe that popped up somewhere. Proving that Mix-A-Lot was really a prophet years ahead of his time, ‘Cake Boy’ is a warning to all the hardcore boys out there that they have to watch out for the effeminate men out there that only act gay – see, Mix-A-Lot called out the Metrosexuals years before Queer Eye made them the shit. ‘You Can’t Slip’ isn’t as interesting, and is just another “fucking up motherfuckers and pimps” gangsta rap tune. Belongs on a B-side.

If I could only find 12” singles for ‘Buttermilk Biscuit’ and ‘Posse On Broadway’ I’d be in late-80s rap heaven.

Okay, I can finally get back into a groove with updating for now. This is my short time of relaxation before I have to jump head first into my big move into a big house of my very own (so excited)! As a thank you to all of those who read my long angry rants from the past few days, here’s some great stuff. And for those of you who skipped them (and you know who you are) I guess you can enjoy these tracks as well (fuckers).

John Coooper Clarke – Walking Back To Happiness
Gaberdine Angus
Majorica
Bronze Adonis
Split Beans
Twat
Pest
Nothing
Limbo
Who Stole The Marble Index?
Gimmix Play Loud
John Cooper Clarke is my new obsession. As a large American misanthropic asshole, I find myself enjoying the rants and raves of this little British misanthropic asshole more and more as the days go by. I discovered Clarke through Urgh! and didn’t think much of him at the time. But a few months ago I stumbled upon this video for his poem ‘Chickentown’ (which was supposedly in an episode of The Sopranos not too long ago) and I became hooked. Does anyone know if this guy ever makes appearances in the states?

These tracks are from a clear 10” called Walking Back To Happiness that was originally released in 1979. It’s a live performance and I don’t think most of it has ever been released on CD. Many of the cuts on itare available in studio form on other albums, but poetry and spoken word performances always sound better live in my opinion.

If you only download one of these, make sure it’s ‘Twat’. Not only is the title one of my all-time favorite swear words, it’s also the best dis track in the history of recorded performances. Rappers could learn a lot from this one.

Big Audio
Looking For A Song (Extended Album Mix)
Looking For A Song (Zonka’s Adventures In Space)
Looking For A Song (Zonka/Shapps Early Mix)
Looking For A Song (The Zonka/Shapps Remix)
The popular consensus that by the time Big Audio Dynamite I/II became Big Audio in the mid-90s they had lost much of the excitement and energy that made them such a revolutionary band in the 80s. I can’t say much about it, as the last album I own by the Mick Jones-led group is Globe, but if this song is any indication I think that the popular consensus needs to be reexamined. This immensely catchy song about…writing an immensely catchy song is a great upbeat number that is not only about finding inspiration to write music, but the inspiration that music can give you. I nominate it as the theme song to The Lost Turntable.

Time for my much-belated full Lollapalooza recap. No MP3s in this post. But I’ll be updating later with some, so stay calm. If you want to check out all my photos from the festival click here. Clicking on a highlighted artists’ name will send you directly to their photos.

Day 1
The Fratellis
I love these guys’ debut album. I drive a lot from state-to-state and it’s always a great pick-me-up for those mid-drive doldrums that can potentially cause you to drive off a bridge. Sadly they aren’t as exciting as I thought they would be live, but that’s probably because they took the stage at 11:45. Doesn’t change the fact that their songs rock.

Ghostland Observatory
I know nothing about this band, but they were playing right after The Fratellis on the same side of the park so I thought I’d check them out. Love the back-up dude’s cape. I need to get me one of those. My first impression of the singer was “wow that chick can sing” but then I get a little closer and revise my statement to “wow, that dude can sing.” Androgyny is totally making a comeback!

Son Volt
We head down to the other end of the park so we can catch The Polyphonic Spree. As an unintended side-effect of that we catch the second half of Sun Volt’s set. That’s all I have to say about that.

The Polyphonic Spree
There’s really nothing like seeing 20+ people rush out on stage wearing the exact same set clothes and performing in songs in a near-choir like fashion. However, the shock and awe wears off quick and you’re left with nothing more than some pretty boring tunes. It probably didn’t help that they were performing at the hottest moment of the hottest day either.

Against Me!
I took off from The Polyphonic Spree early so I could check out Against Me!, who are My New Favorite Band. Having been listening to New Wave nearly nonstop since it came out, I had really high hopes for these guys and they totally met them. Storming onto the stage right on time they wasted no time getting into the rock, delivering one great ball-busting tune after another. I guess the only thing better than an Against Me! CD is seeing Against Me! live. I am slightly annoyed by the use of the exclamation point in their name though, it drives MS Word fucking nuts.

Blonde Redhead
We make are way back to the main stage to catch Satellite Party (I wanted to see The Black Keys, but it was at the opposite end of the park and it was really fucking hot outside). We’re there pretty early so we get to hear most of Blonde Redhead’s set. I’m digging it but my friend Lisa turns to me about 20 minutes later and says to me “Make the scary music stop.” So I guess they aren’t for everyone.

Satellite Party
For those of you who don’t know, Satellite Party is the latest musical creation of Perry Farrell. Considering that his past two bands were Jane’s Addiction and Porno For Pyros, they have some pretty big shoes to fill. I reviewed their album when it came out at another website and I have to say I was really let down by it. Many of the songs just sounded like boring rehashes of better Jane’s songs, and some just flat-out sucked. Thankfully Perry’s one energetic motherfucker on stage and even when the band was playing some of the weaker songs off of the album he remains highly entertaining. The band also played many older tunes from Perry’s other bands, including ‘Pets’ by Porno For Pyros, which makes me happy. We take off as ‘Jane Says’ starts, and marvel at the fact that people still make out to this touching tune about a junkie.

LCD Soundsystem
I saw LCD live right after their first album came out in a small club in Cleveland. The place wasn’t even half full so I had plenty of room that night to shave my various groove things and have an overall bootylicious time. This time I was sharing LCD with a 20,000+ people and with the sun just beginning to set I still wasn’t in a very dancable mood. Instead I sat on my ass and soaked up a mist fan. They did a good set though and I still love them.

Daft Punk (These photos REALLLLLY suck)
Having not moved for about an hour now, I was fully energized for Daft Punk, and it’s a good thing. As the electro-French duo emerged from a giant LCD pyramid to the sounds of ‘Technologic’ I instantly realized that this was going to be a bitchin’ show. With an godlike visual show that included several giant video screens and every light effect known to man, as well as a bass beat about 2 decibels away from bending me over and fucking me up the ass, Daft Punk’s live show can be described as impressive to say the least. It was like seeing the last 22 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey in concert. By the time they begin to mix in ‘Around The World’ I have forgotten about the 11+ hours I have spent outside, the sunburn on my neck and my aching feet and started getting my groove on. The pulsing lights and sounds moved through me as I began to shake like an epileptic using a vibrator. Everyone around me (douchebag drunks and their idiot bitches) stared at the wild gyrations I made but I didn’t care. For the first time of the dayI was at one with the music and all is good.

Until I have to walk back to the hotel. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Day 2
Matt & Kim
I had no idea who these guys were before I saw them but the second they took the stage I instantly fell in love with them. The whole chick drummer/dude singer thing may make some people think they are a White Stripes rip-off, but aside from their member/gender makeup they have nothing in common with the famous Detroit duo. These indie-poppers rock out pure happiness. Unfortunately, they were suffering various technical difficulties during their show, but they didn’t let it get their spirits down. If anything the downtime made me like them more, as they filled it with hilarious stories about “dipping the pen in the company inkwell” and other funny events. After their short set Kim even came down to sign autographs and take pictures! She’s super-duper-neato-keen-cool.

Ludo
More time to kill before Silverchair. The Lollapalooza program described these guys as “part Weezer and part Queen”. I’m more than a little doubtful of that intriguing combination, but their isn’t anything else going on so we check them out anyways (and their stage is covered in the shade -bonus). The geeky-looking hipsters take the stage and I’m shocked to discover that their Weezer/Queen description is shockingly accurate. When they aren’t performing cute break-up songs like ‘Good Will Hunting By Yourself’ their performing cuts from their rock opera EP Broken Bride, which is about a time traveler who has to choose between saving his wife from certain death or saving humanity from the devil’s reign in the far future. It sounds stupid for sure, but I’ve listened to it more than any other CD I picked up since the show. If that isn’t enough to convince you that these guys rock, they closed their set with a cover of Faith No More’s ‘Epic’! How fucking metal is that shit!?

Silverchair
Tomorrow (Cover)
Not a big Silverchair fan, but Lisa wants to see them and I’m an incredibly nice guy so I go along. I’m actually surprised to see how much they’ve changed since I heard them last (circa 1999) and their shockingly pretty damn good. I also take lots of pictures for a friend who couldn’t make it but finds their lead singer “dreamy”. I don’t stay for the whole set though because I want to get Regina Spector’s autograph.

Intermission – The Horrible Midday Episode of Sadness
So I leave Silverchair early and make my way to the FYE tent to get in the line for Regina’s autograph. The two dudes in front of me let me know that I have to buy her CD if I want to see her. This sucks since I bought it the day it came out, but whatever, I dig her so I figure it’s worth it. I make it inside the tent where the manager is and I have this conversation:

Me: “Do I need to buy a Regina Spector CD if I want her autograph?”
Asshat Douchebage: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, where are they?”
AD: “We’re sold out.”
Me: “Oh, so can I just get in line then?”
AD: “No, you need to buy a CD first.”
Me: “But you’re sold out!”
AD: “You need one to get in line.”

This went on for awhile, it’s like I found an error in his programming and he was caught in an endless loop. He finally informs me that I can’t get her autograph because they don’t have any CDs. I’m not happy.

Me: “That’s bullshit!”
AD: “Hey those are her rules, not mine.”

Okay, let’s reflect on that statement for a minute. Regina Spector, a small-time, aspiring singer-songwriter with a rabid fanbase is going to force all of her fans that love her and have already bought her CD to buy it again just so they can get her autograph. And if any of her fans already bought her CD or can’t buy it at the FYE tent then they are shit out of luck. I call the dude’s bluff.

Me: “You’re full of shit and you know it. I’ve met her before and she’s never had these restrictions.”
AD: “Those are her rules dude.”
Me: “Fuck off and die.”

Okay, so some people thought that was rude. Those people can fuck off. He was obviously lying and knew it. Some of you may be saying, “But he’s just some lackey working retail, it’s not his policy!” Well, no you’re wrong. This little twat had the cute little “manager” tag on his shitty little shirt, so he knew what was really going on. And even if I didn’t, well I really don’t care. If he didn’t want to deal with large loud assholes like me that don’t take bullshit then he shouldn’t have gotten a job at a shit retail store infamous for having an overpriced shitty selection. (It’s a little-known fact that FYE stands for Fucking You Endlessly).

Dejected I head down to where Regina is playing (sitting through STS9…shudder) so I can get a good spot.

Regina Spector
As I mentioned before, I love Regina Spector. I want to bear her children. The only thing more beautiful than her are her flawless songs. Am I sounding like a stalker? I don’t care.

Anyways, right when shebegins her first song a girl next to me passes out. She gets up, tells everyone she’s fine and then immediately passes out again. Everyone around her try to get the attention of security but they are nowhere to be seen. Thankfully Regina sees us, stops her set and helps direct the crowd so her friends can carry her to medical personnel. Not only is Regina’s music amazing, she saves lives!

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but I love the Blue Room even better. The Blue Room is this heavenly air-conditioned room provided by AT&T so people can get into a dark place and cool off. I hear most of their set from inside the tent though, and it is nice.

Spoon
I’m just now becoming a Spoon fan, having really discovered them thanks to this awesome video. I didn’t know most of the songs they played, but they were very good. I was still kind of half out-of-it though when they started so I don’t remember most of it.

Muse
Before Muse took the stage I told Lisa that they’d really have to do something if they wanted to top Daft Punk from the night before. I guess they heard me because once they came on stage there was nothing but blinding lights and deafening music filling Grant Park for 90 minutes. Accompanied behind the band were more lights and LED monitors then all of Times Square, and those combined with the unearthly music coming out of the speakers gave me a near-religious experience. Once again I loose my goddamn mind and start jumping around like a zealot speaking tongues. By the time Matthew Bellamy unleashes the opening riff to ‘Plug In Baby’ during their encore I go apeshit and begin to fly around the park and scream at the top of my lungs. The people around me must’ve been staring, but they can suck it. I had a blast.

Day 3
Juliette & The Licks
So Juliette Lewis has a punk rock band. Actually, it’s pretty good. The chick sure does have the energy to back it up, running around the stage like a dolled-up monkey on meth. Their cover of ‘Hot Stuff’ is especially impressive. I might actually get their CD sometime.

The Cribs
These guys are the latest garage-rock “The [fill-in-the-blank]s” band to get massive hype from the UK press. Lisa is a slave to NME so OMG we HAVE to check them out. Yawn.

Amy Winehouse
Holy shit this bitch needs to go to rehab.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

She barely moves during her entire set and barely even seems to notice that an audience is in front of her. I get bored quickly and head for the all-loving shade.

Iggy And The Stooges
The highlight of day three came early, as Iggy Pop and his cronies took the stage around 4:15 and proceeded to blow my balls off with raw power, old-school punk rock. Halfway through his set Iggy (who is shockingly NOT wearing a shirt) allows the fans to rush the stage, at which point over 100 drunk idiots surround him. I don’t know how the stage didn’t collapse. It was a blast though. And the sudden flood of people on the stage allowed me to get pretty close as a side-effect.

Modest Mouse
I love Modest Mouse, but I couldn’t watch them. There was nothing wrong with their performance, they were actually excellent (and Johnny Marr is awesome) it was their fans that drove me fucking nuts. The rant from my previous post came mostly from the mindless little taints that surrounded me during this show. We leave early and head for the Blue Room to cool down.

TV On The Radio
Whoever decided that TV On The Radio only deserved 45 minutes was a fucking asshole. By the time they got in their groove their set was over. Not only that, they didn’t get to play many of their best tunes, including ‘Dry Drunk Emperor’ and ‘Ambulance’. Bummer.

Pearl Jam
I’ve seen Pearl Jam live six times before this performance, so to say I like them is an understatement. I was a little underwhelmed by most of their set though, as it was mostly tailored for casual fans who probably haven’t bought a PJ album since No Code or Yield. Still, hearing classics like “Elderly Woman’, ‘Corduroy’ and ‘Evenflow’ really never gets old. At the end of their set they performed a new anti-war song dedicated to an Iraqi vet who joined them on stage (along with Ben Harper) before closing off with the obligatory ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’ cover.

After all was said and done I saw over 20 bands, many of which I enjoyed. I’ve been going to Lollapalooza ever since it revamped itself as a one-off event in downtown Chicago and I’m fairly certain I’ll be continuing to do so as long as they hold them. There may be a few problems with the event (crowded line-up, shitty merch tent) but the good far outweighs the bad.

Just got back from Lollapalooza. Great show. Got to see Iggy Pop, Spoon, LCD Soundsystem, Daft Punk (holy shit that was amazing) and about a dozen more amazing acts that I’ll talk about later this week. I’ll also have links to my photos that I took during the show as well, which includes some awesome shots of Regina Spektor. There were something like 60,000 people at Lollapalooza this year, which can only mean one thing; a whole lot of douchebags. I saw so much idiotic behavior that I feel the need to update The Lost Turntable Guide To Concerts. So I now present:

The Lost Turntable Guide To Festival Etiquette.

Rule No. 1: Get off your goddamn cellphone. This should have been a rule in my original guide, but I somehow forgot it. Someone explain this to me. You’ve just spent $195 on a ticket to a three-day festival that’s jam-packed with over 100 amazing bands, and you spend most of the show on your fucking phone telling everyone how awesome it is?! How can you tell everyone how awesome it is? You won’t get off your fucking phone! The people that do this can never hear a fucking thing too. Here’s a recreation of every cell phone conversation I heard this weekend:

Dude, I’m at Lollapalooza it’s awesome!
I said I’m at Lollapalooza!
What?
What?
WHAT?
I’m at a concert!
*long pause*
WHAT!?!?

If you really feel the need to talk to one of your dumbass friends who was too cheap to buy a ticket then get away from the stage, Grant Park is really fucking big.

Rule No. 2: Your friends won’t be able to find you, so you can put your damn hand down.
Bitch on phone: “You can’t find me? Look, I’m raising my hand now! I’m by the stage. I said I’m by the stage!”

Look around you bitch, see all the other braindead cunnies holding their hands up and talking on their cell phones? It’s an exercise in futility. Set up a fucking meeting place before you get there and you won’t have this fucking problem.

Rule No. 3: Don’t rush up to a stage right before a show starts and expect to get in the front row. Hey asshole, I’ve been standing here for 45 minutes so I could get a good view of Regina Spector, stop trying to push your way past me. I’m elbowing you in the stomach on purpose. I don’t care if you can’t see from “way back there”. Fuck off and die.

Rule No. 4: You can’t “hold spaces” for people. This is related to the two previous rules, because most dumbass motherfuckers who were on the phone trying to find their friends were doing so because they “totally got an awesome spot” Nevermind the fact that they are shoulder-to-shoulder with everyone around them, their friend can totally meet them up there because they saved a spot for them. Unless that spot is a stain in their underwear they are sorely mistaken. See rule number 4 and go suck it.

Rule No. 5: Watch where you throw that fucking frisbee you goddamn hippie! Seriously, I like my nose the way it is.

Rule No. 6: Give a hoot, clean up after your lazy ass. Everywhere you went at Lollapalooza this year you were reminded that it was a “green” festival. Signs about your carbon footprint were everywhere. The program was printed on recycled paper, and every five feet a person was trying to get you to sign some sort of environmental petition. You think you’d get the hint and throw your fucking plastic cup away. We’re all sharing this space for three days, don’t turn it into a fucking toilet.

Rule No. 7: Wear sunscreen. Nothing mean to say here, it’s just good advice. Apply it gnerously every couple of hours.

Rule No. 8: If you are using a portapotty lock the motherfucking door. If you don’t that’s fine by me, but don’t yell at me when I open the door and get a look at the goods. Trust me honey, out of all the chicks I wanted to get a flash from, your chunky butt was really low on the list.

And finally Rule No. 9: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (sadly) people come to concerts to listen to the fucking music, not to hear you bitch about how you couldn’t get any good weed the night before. I’m not a complete asshole, I do realize that a festival is different from a regular concert and that people will be talking, that’s fine. Just don’t have complete conversations when everyone else around you is trying to listen to the fucking music. Someone in front of me ran into someone they knew during Modest Mouse and they both began singing “Ruby Soho” at the top of their lungs. Look you little fratboy pricks, I’m sure that’s the punchline to a really funny inside joke about that one time you were at the beach house and got so fucked up you pissed on the kitchen floor, but I’m trying to hear “Float On”.

Hang up the damn phone and listen to the fucking music, Iggy Pop is playing for fuck’s sake.

Ah, that felt good.

Muse
Recess
Yes Please
Dead Star
Muscle Museum (Soulwax Remix)
House Of The Rising Sun
Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You

Muse’s show at Lollapalooza was holy shit amazing. I’ve heard things about their live shows in the past, but nothing could have compared me for the utter brilliance I witnessed when they took the stage. The combination of absolutely incendiary music and some of the most awe-inspiring visuals I have ever seen at a concert combined to create an experience like nothing else I have ever been witness to. It was almost like a religious experience, I almost saw God when Bellamy started playing ‘Plug In Baby’, complete and total audio/visual orgasm.

As for the tracks above, most of them will only be rarities to people in America, as Muse is huge everywhere else. ‘Dead Star’ was a single in the UK but never released in America, and it’s B-side was the cover of ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You’. Their cover of ‘House Of The Rising Sun’ was only released on a charity album that came with issues of NME. The other two songs are off of their compilation/live album Hulabaloo Soundtrack, which never came out in the states either. I have no idea where that remix of ‘Muscle Museum’ is from though.